Thoughts after Coffee Cup # 2

It's 6:30am and I'm on my second cup of coffee, feeling pretty awake at this point. I woke up at 5:20am to see my future husband off to work this morning and you know what, it felt good. I am looking forward to taking care of him in a new way as we start combining our lives. With an endless list of honey-do's between now and June 16th (our wedding), moments like this recenter my focus and remind me why the crazy is worth the anxiety and stress.

I feel such a sense of peace making his morning coffee or packing his snack, especially when I beg him to let me cook up a breakfast sandwich at 5:30am while he groans with that look that says "Thank you, but my stomach isn't quite awake yet." I understand that the novelty of all my new wifely duties might wear off, but for now I am basking in the contentedness I get from taking care of my soon to be husband. I pray it never gets "old" and that I continue to enjoy the whole taking care of a household role. I have a feeling it runs in my genes to feel complete and satisfied with a life centered on taking care of my family....I know this because my mom was always so good at it. Of all the things I could say about my mom, she was born to care for a family and taught me how to create a home just as she did.

Aannnndddd, with 37 days left before the wedding, my wedding website checklist says I still have 60 of my 120 tasks left to complete. Two more things to get done this weekend, RINGS AND TUXES!

I'm a prisoner to my sweet tooth

My horrible sweet tooth has taken me prisoner and I can't curve the craving of the peanut butter and chocolate ice cream sitting in my freezer at work from the San Francisco Creamery. How I wish I could indulge right now. Instead I will (try) and focus my energy on the realization that I gotta keep motivated to be healthy and get my boot-ey to the gym 'cus there are less than 8 Mondays till my wedding day is here. Maybe someone should stop buying me ice cream during lunch...

What do you all do to curve the after lunch sweet tooth cravings?

mmmm doesn't that look tasty.....

 

Maybe just two bites will be okay??? It's not like anyone will know....

Invitations: It's all in the details

 Our entire family came together for one special night to help make our wedding invitations. Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, Nieces, and Aunts all united in an effort to produce a unique and personal invitation for the wedding of our dreams. 

Here are a few pictures of the details, to share.  The first two photos are what we call "Morea Vision" as they were taken from the perspective of a four year old, pretty good we think!

Notice the wine and girl scout cookies...these are what got us through. 

That, and Round Table Pizza. 

 

My sisters and Godmom working with intense concentration. There was a strict time constraint and I was NOT messing around that night. In fact, I vetoed my mom off of the embossing station for working too slowly at one point and made potential candidates audition their handwriting for the addressing of envelopes. It was serious business.  

These lace pockets were sewn by my mom the week prior. The lace was a bargain at Hobby Lobby and cost us roughly $25 for all 80 invitations.

 We did a LOT of embossing that night. We embossed this lace detailing on the cards as well as on the backside of the envelopes. In addition to the lace stamp embossing, we embossed our names' and RSVP stamps. All cards, inserts, and envelopes were done with just a single embossing gun.

 My sister Kristina (also my Matron of Honor) designed this stamp special for the invitations. Using varying fonts for different parts of our names, we used Photoshop to create this custom stamp reading "Kaitlyn & Daniel." We then uploaded that to a site that created the actual stamp for us, based on our prototype.

Here you can see the sleek and simple fonts we used for the wedding details. MarthaStewart.com came handy for getting the wording just right and gave us inspiration for explaining the dynamics of our families.

 Instead of having our guests RSVP via the traditional method of returning a postmarked card, we asked that they log-on to our wedding website. This saved us money and also allowed us the chance to advertise other details of our wedding day that we were unable to include in our invitation, such as our love story and our engagement pictures.

Homemade invitations, sealed with love and invaluable family memories. 

Vwaa-laa!

The Top 5 countdown of what we've been up to as of late:

5. For the past 6 weeks, we have been feverishly searching for a home! This is proving to be on of the most taxing and frustrating, but potentially most rewarding, experiences this year. We are praying things are figured out in time for the wedding which means, as you can imagine, I am concerned freaking out about where we will be living come June.


4. I go in for my interview for the teaching credential program THIS FRIDAY! If all goes well and they think I'm qualified enough for their program, I will be on my way to becoming an elementary school teacher beginning June 25 (the day we come home from our honeymoon, so I actually will be missing the first day of class.)


3. Wedding planning. Lots of wedding planning. We recently did our invitations, Daniel had his bachelor party a few weeks ago, my bridal shower is in two weeks, we are working on getting our passports for Cabo, and my dad built these awesome centerpiece boxes for the tables out of reclaimed fencing wood! So, lots of wedding planning going on.


2. Daniel has been going to school and it looks like he'll be taking several summer courses also. Drill is this weekend which bums us both out because we like to spend our weekends TOGETHER, of course. How many more years of this??? I think 3 1/2...wow that's a long time. I'll be almost 28! Just in time for babies maybe??? Just kidding, more like, just in time to buy a house/travel/have lots of selfish fun before the kids come time.  


1. My birthday was yesterday so my lovely fiance took me out and spoiled me Saturday (since he had school till' late last night.) He bought me a new bathing suit for Cabo and all of our friends joined us for dinner at Sasa Restaurant (an amazing sushi place in Walnut Creek.) Then my dad treated me to Chinese food last night and we spent the evening catching up on Grey's, Toddlers & Tiaras, and Army Wives. My mom is cooking me dinner tonight, Amanda & Chels are coming tomorrow to take me out, and Saturday I am going antique shopping with Sue in search of a pillbox hat with a bird cage veil for my shower! I have been spoiled with love this year, turning 24 has turned out to be a fruitful age and Daniel says it is a big birthday this year because it's the age I'll be when we get married! He can be so romantic when he wants to :)

Invites and Champagne Tasting

I sure haven't blogged much lately, but no one really seems to mind. We have been very busy, Daniel has been busy with school and I've been making a lot of wedding plans lately. Yesterday we did a blind taste test of champagne to see which ones we wanted to serve at the reception. We categorized each type into (a) Toast only, (b) Toast and/or Drinking all Night, (c) Don't even serve for the Toast. My dad insisted that we not know which kind of champagne we are trying so we would give an unbiased judgement towards each. I must say, it was QUITE the experiment.

Surprisingly, we ALL loved one of the lower end Champagnes the best. Us girls were certain our favorite one must be super duper expensive, which of course made all the guys giggle because they knew all along that our "sophisticated champagne tasting palette" had chosen one of the cheapest options. Actually, one of our most favorite tastes was an Almond Champagne from Trader Joe's that costs around $6 a bottle, it was so yummy! So I guess the dads and Daniel win this round and prove their point that just because it costs more, does not mean it tastes better.

I also spent all of last weekend at my sister's house making our invitations. We have decided to hand make every single one, including sewing the outer lace envelopes, stamping and then embossing our names on each invitation as well as "rsvp" on the response cards, and embossing a lace stamp detailing along the edges of each invitation and inner cards. My sister designed a beautiful directions card as well, which will hopefully keep everyone from getting lost on their way up the mountain. I am pretty much impressed with our efforts and I can't wait to finish them all in a few weeks. I have to get them out by April 1st so I better get a move on collecting addresses, that is sort of scaring me at the moment.

Here are some pictures of our mock designs, in case you are curious:

'

These are the stamps we had custom made (except for the lace stamp, that one we found online)

 

This is the basic idea of the invite. It's not the real deal because we had just ordered the stamps that day so unfortunately these were made with images of the stamps, using Photoshop. "Kaitlyn & Daniel" will be embossed in black, and the lace stamps in the corners will be embossed in bronze. 

 The lace envelopes are going to hold the invitation, response card, and directions card. This was the un-sewn version of the lace envelope, just to give you an idea what it may look like. 

My sister, Nina, made this card. I know the image quality kind of sucks because it's a picture of the computer screen, but you can really see how much work she put into it. I love it and think it is a great way to make sure no one gets lost (not to mention it's way cooler that a boring old google map)

Pretty awesome, huh? We think so, actually we are pretty darn proud of ourselves. 

Today I am thankful for the GI Bill

It's been almost one year since I said goodbye to my Marine and sent him off to the Asian Pacific to learn the art of jungle warfare. This time last year we were preparing for goodbyes, spending ample time with friends and family, soaking in the moments before the big departure. Then I worried about my broken heart for 6 months, waiting in angst for his return. Upon his return, new worries began, worries that have only recently been resolved and resolutions I wish to share with you all tonight as I am OH SO PROUD of my soon to be husband.

The resolutions, you may ask, why of course! Let me share! Drum roll please...........We finally have a plan!!!!

Okay, so a "plan" may not seem like such a big accomplishment to some, so let me explain. After Daniel got home, the reality of our approaching nuptials brought on quite a scare in terms of our financial status. We realized that it was time for us to figure things out, he needed full time work and I needed to decided what the heck I was doing with my life (going to school or keep working). Daniel had so many directions he was pursuing, it seemed that we were running without feet (think road runner when he's running in one spot and not going anywhere.) It was getting scary, let me tell you. The stress was high as I was pressing him to make up his mind and pick something, anything!


I was honestly starting to lose hope that we were ever going to able to move out. I started thinking, maybe we'll just be one of those married couples that live at home, that'll be okay, it will HAVE to be okay. I'll just work this little job, making enough money to pay the bills, and we'll live on unemployment forever. OKAY, so I wasn't exactly happy with this "plan", actually it was causing more stress than I'm really letting on.

It's not like when active duty military return home from deployment, they go right back to their job after a nice little break. No, Daniel was flat OUT OF WORK. He was not coming home to a purpose or a cause, he was coming home to me and nothing more (and I don't pay much). He had been caring for his grandfather before he left, full time. Right before the deployment they transitioned grandpa into an assisted living home, then Daniel boarded a plane and headed to Japan. So when he came home, he really had absolutely no direction and although I didn't want to admit it, I was losing hope that he would figure it out in time. The crappy economy in our area and the lack of opportunity did not equal a quick remedy for our situation.

That's when he figured it out.

He made a brave and bold choice to use his GI Bill and return to school to get an education. THANK THE LORD FOR THE GI BILL! If it wasn't for the GI Bill,  he would not have taken this opportunity to receive an education and complete this Process-Technology program he's so excited about. This has given us new-found hope and the chance to really make a positive step in our life together. I am beyond thankful for the American Government's generosity in affording us this opportunity. I could not be more proud of my husband-to-be as he ventures out to conquer his future with excitement and motivation, giving us BOTH a chance at the life we desire to share together. This is the direction we needed and I am so thankful it is in our grasp.

God had a plan, I just needed to wait for it. Here begins the next chapter of our life with a clear plan and a path we can see to follow. Thank you Lord.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, school starts tomorrow. Wish him luck!

Things I'm Learning Lately

We are full swing into wedding planning! Yes, I have the venue picked, the date picked, caterers to taste,  the cake maker (if that's the right word) chosen, my dress, some of the bridesmaid dresses, and my photographer! These last 4 weeks have been more productive than the previous 6 months, since Daniel has been home to help make decisions. His input has been very useful and his insight into what HE thinks I truly want from our wedding has been mostly accurate. It's relieving to know how well he understands pretty much everything about me, well most of the time it's relieving. There is just one small detail that I've run across lately that I don't like that he knows....how horrible I am at saving money.

I'm a shopper, there's no secret there. We can all blame either my God-mom or my own mother for that one, as they both had heavy influences on teaching me about Macy's Shoe Sales, how to get your mall-walk on, and the difference between Nordstrom and Target. I love shoes, and clothes, and getting my nails done, and lots of pretty new things.When he first proposed, the wedding seemed so far away that I just kept thinking, "Saving? Oh, I'll get around to that, right now I just need this new dress!" Now that we are less than 9 months away, it all feels much more real and the motivation is finally here to think realistically about our budget needs for this wedding and for our life together.

So, I am learning to save. I didn't think I had it in me, honestly. I have never been good at saving money but I am set to prove Daniel wrong about my spending habits! I have already saved a nice stash and it feels really refreshing to have some money to my name, "just in case" (for the wedding or whatever comes up.) I don't know why I never did this before, I guess I was too busy walking around DSW.

I think I'll keep the amount I have saved a secret from him for as long as possible so that one day I can say, "Look honey, I have $_______ saved!" And he'll be so proud of me and then we can take a fabulous honeymoon to celebrate.

Welcome Home Marine

Well here we are, 23 weeks later, and couldn't possibly be any happier. He's home, thank God. It all seems like it went by in the blink of an eye, as though he never really left. Life just feel so normal with him here, nothing has really changed, except maybe that our appreciation for each other and for our families has grown leaps and bounds. Otherwise, life is just as it should be. Within 24 hours of him being home, it felt like he had never left and I had to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dream and he isn't leaving again for a long long time.

Here is the last week in a nutshell: (Can't believe it's been a week!)

The first two days home, we spent quality time with his parents eating great food, drinking good wine, and learning of Daniel's travels around the world and back. Saturday was the big Welcome Home Party, and most of our family and friends were able to come celebrate his return! It is comforting knowing we have all of their support and love to always get us through. Sunday was another family day and we decided to see a much overdue movie, Captain America. Then came Monday, and we both got the flu. He headed back off to San Bruno Tuesday and we will be reunited again on Friday for date night! Life is sweet.

Time to start wedding planning! Yay! A few pictures to share....

Waiting waiting waiting patiently!

So happy to finally be together

Daniel and his Mom

The First Hug

We Made It!

I'm sitting here, after a long weekend filled with family and laughter and memories, realizing that we are coming to the end of this deployment. One thing I can't get off my mind is how I can't hardly believe we have survived an entire deployment. Months of separation, missing his face and voice, infrequent phone calls, they are all coming to an end. I feel like giving him a high-five right now because, seriously, WE DID IT! 


I remember the moment that bussed rolled away and how angry I was at it for taking him from me for the next 6 months. I stood there, thinking, this is never going to end, he's gone for what seems an eternity, and I'm never going to survive this heartbreak. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but imagining the next half a year without him seemed impossible and I had no idea where the strength to get through it was going to come from. 


Then a sweet girl next time took my hand and told me I wasn't alone and I'll be okay. It did help and I didn't even cry the whole drive home. It actually took a few days for things to settle in for me to realize, wow, he's really gone. I guess my mind automatically (like muscle memory) reverted back to my college days and weekly visits and living 70 miles apart. But once my "muscles" finally understood this was a totally different and much longer situation, I had my first break down. And they continued to come in waves over the next 6 weeks. I would say those first 6 weeks were the hardest on me, trying to discover a new routine and making plans to keep my mind from wandering. It didn't help that a major natural disaster occurred like the first week he was gone and we had no idea if they were affected or not. But by the time May hit, I was feeling pretty confident about my coping mechanisms and ability to maintain my often unstable emotional state. 

I learned that keeping a full schedule during the weekend hours is completely and totally necessary. For the most part, I stood by this rule, religiously. The hardest times were the Fridays when I would be sitting at work with no motivation to start my weekend like everyone else. Those weekends when I failed to plan activities with friends or family made the entire week drag on and my emotions were unpredictable. Thankfully, I have many people in my life that didn't mind a weekend visitor and I was able to keep busy, for the most part. 


Now, when I look back at this time and the heartbreak that came with his departure, I am astounded that it's almost over. I still look in awe at all the families out there going through deployments and ask myself, "How do they do it? They have a baby? It's for a year? They just got married?!" But now, I understand the "how" because the "why" is what gives us all hope. 


....and if we made it, you can to. He's the "why" to your "how" and you're his too. I promise you will be okay, just keep yourself entertained, take time to get pampered, and pray for the strength to get through each day. God provided sanity and hope for me and he can for you too, if you just remember to rely less on yourself, and more on him. The hardest days of all, were the days I tried to do it all on my lonesome....


I am proud of us, we made it through and we get each other back very soon. I just keep thinking about how amazing it is to know, WE MADE IT!

The Upside of a Deployment

(as I mentioned on facebook) I can don't have to argue with anyone over ordering Hawaiian Pizza.

I don't have to wonder what my plans will be or ask anyone if my plans fit into theirs, because I make my own schedule. 

 I can start a new job or work as many hours as I want because (sadly) I have no one waiting for me to come home each night.

I don't have to feel guilty for indulging in guilty pleasures like ridiculous reality tv, ice cream, and countless pairs of shoes. 

I get to spend extra time with my family that I don't  normally get the opportunity to. 

I can have girly weekends at a moment's notice (since I often of nothing better to do anyway.)

I get plenty of time to myself for reading, thinking, and napping; pretty much anything that wastes time

I don't have to work on wedding plans if I don't want to because I've convinced myself he wants to help me (which I honestly believe he does.) 

I spend less money (besides my shopping trips of course.)

I get to try new recipes out on my dad and perfect them before Daniel tries them so Daniel will never know how bad of a cook I really am.

I got to throw an amazing Half Way Party and bond with a special group of women going through my very same experience. 

I get to drive Daniel's truck on occasion, which is always fun, as long as I don't run anything over.

I spend more time focusing on the relationships in my life and less on the drama. It's good to be reminded of what's important, Love.

I've learned to appreciate my best friends, Amanda and Chelsea, even more than they know. Because of them, I have survived.  

 I am reminded every time he calls just how much I am loved, adored, needed, wanted, and missed.

And he's the reason it's all worth it.

L.O.V.E

Extensions? And not the hair kind

What do you do when you find out there's the possibility that they are extending his deployment? Plan a trip, that's what! Well nothing is for sure, actually I only read a quick blurb about a possible extension today on our deployment group page but the first thing that came to mind was that now I can maybe go down south again!

But then I started thinking, what happens if he comes home when I'm down there? How expensive is a plane ticket last minute? Who would take me to the airport? Who's car would we drive in case it got left in SoCal at the last minute?

Whew, enough possibilities...relax!

I think I'll just keep my usual countdown going so I don't overthink this whole situation. Hopefully it's just a scare. Another thought on his homecoming though....I am having anxiety over how things are going to be when he gets home. Right now, I'm starting to scare myself with thoughts of how I'm going to handle when he wants to see his friends and I don't see him for a whole day. I know that sounds dumb because we've been apart for quite a while, what's one day? But my anxiety is telling me that choosing to spend one day apart is harder than having to spend one day apart. My anxiety is trying to convince me that I am going to be so obsessed on making up for lost time, that I will panic when we choose to spend any length of time apart.

How do people get over this? I realize this is ridiculous, so don't get me confused with some crazy control freak. At least I can admit my weakness. But how am I going to stop obsessing over this? Anyone else ever been  here and done that? Thanks in advance...

Our big floppy hats

Oh my, what a weekend we had! Chelsea, Amanda, and I went to visit Amanda's family in La Cresta, CA...they live in this beautiful home nestled in the mountains behind Camp Pendleton where they built "Sheffield Regional Park" as they call it. This was the girls weekend we ALL needed, each for our very own reason:

(Amanda) needed to get over her jerk of a boyfriend for breaking up with her

(Chelsea) needed  to get her mind off her anxiety about her NCLEX (her big nursing test)

(Me) needed to find a way to make this weekend (and all of the next ones till he's home) pass quickly.

I am happy to report, the trip was a success. Amanda is amazing and strong and is moving on! Chelsea found out she passed her test, and the rest of the weekend was stress free for her. I was so busy celebrating with them both I hardly had time to think about myself. 

We bought big floppy hats at Target and went to the beach

Chels and Amanda at the beach

Some family friends of Amanda's, they were both so sweet

Celebrating our "success" this weekend at Amanda's parents house

   

You aren't weak. You are strong.

First off I want to start this post by saying I am in extreme pain because I got this horrible sunburn in the middle of my back, you know, right where you can't reach, smack dab in the middle?

I realized this was going to happen about the time I decided I hate hate hate that Daniel isn't here to enjoy our life with me, together, like we should be. I went with my dad to the lake this weekend, which was lots of fun, but I couldn't help wishing my other half was there to lounge in the sun or learn to wake surf with me. I told him last night when I talked to him that, regardless of how much I might drive him nuts, I'm not going anywhere without him when he gets home. I realize that I "signed up for this," whatever, save all that "it was your choice" crap for someone else. I get it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not trying to sit around and pretend that I'm some super strong crazy person who is so in love that the distance only "brings us closer." You are talking to the wrong engaged girl here. It's like missing half your body, half your joy, half your peace, and all of your heart. By the time Daniel gets home he will have been gone for a total of 12 months in the last 20 months. I am ready to smother that boy with my love and affection until he begs for a day at the shooting range with his boys.

I'm not ashamed that I'm not emotionally hard as steel and that I feel like breaking down into tears (and often do) whenever I see a current picture of him posted by one of his friends on Facebook. There's something about seeing his most up-to-date face that makes me want to kiss the computer screen while filling up a few buckets with my tears. You want the truth about military life, it fricken sucks. Don't let anyone tell you that being "strong" means you aren't allowed to feel your emotions. Go ahead girls, feel em', embrace em', and accept them. They are here to stay and some days they are going to tear you down to little bitty pieces. But other days, you're going to feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach and you're going to feel that smile growing when you realize just how much time has passed and how close you are to the finish line.

If I could tell Daniel anything right now, in this moment, I would say I know we will be together forever and for always because I know how blessed I am to have your love and to love another this much. If I'm thankful for anything with this deployment, it's that it proved to me just how meant-to-be we are and how right the timing of our new beginning is. I would tell him I love you more than absolutely anything in this entire world and if I had endless amounts of money I would have followed you to and from every country you've been in these last few months just so I could give you a kiss now and then.

Deployments suck, I'm not embarrassed to admit that. You shouldn't be either. Love your man, stand by your man, and remember how blessed you are that God gave you this opportunity to learn what love and commitment truly means. You aren't weak because you cry, you're strong because you can cry without giving up. You aren't weak because you resent this deployment, you're strong because you recognize the positive impact it could have on your relationship, if you let it. You aren't weak because you wish he was here, you're strong because you are willing to wait patiently for his infrequent phone calls and far off return. Keep calm and carry on, because that's all we really can do in times like these.

 I sure miss this boy of mine

Ever Wonder What Happens at My House on a Friday Night?

Tomorrow I get to mark another week off my calendar, so it should be a pretty good day. At least I'm hoping it's a good day. The distance between my future husband and myself is really dragging on me, at this point. I missed him the second I watched that horrible ugly bus drive out those awful and depressing metal gates. Now, take that moment and multiply it by like a thousand and add about 500% plus a 14 hour time difference and you might get to where I am now in my level of wanting him back. It's time. They could have sent him home before he even left the states and  I would have been happy. That's why, tomorrow better be a good fricken day because if it's not, I might have a cry day and watch Army Wives and eat a box full of See's Candy because I know it's not really time to have him back yet.

On a different note, has anyone seen this new show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? If you haven't you really need to go check it out on TLC, it will blow your mind. And no, it's not really about a wedding. In fact, it's more about how I would be considered "shelved" at 23 years old for not being married already. Oh, and the fact that I would never have gone to college and probably would  have like a bunch of babies and a trailer to look after right now. Just go watch it, it's quite entertaining for a boring Friday night at home..alone...again.

Boy of boy, I can NOT wait for Daniel to come home. I've been meaning to blog about this for quite some time, but I've been forgetting too [and I apologize for the all-over-the-placeness of this post.] But, what I've been meaning to say, is that I cannot stand by complacently and watch couples be all, you know, couple-y, anymore. It actually causes a physical reaction in my body, where I must turn my head and try not to puke as my mind fills with selfish thoughts about how jealous I am. Yes, I am super jealous of all of you who get to go on Friday night dates with your honey, and Saturday night dates, and whatever day of the week you choose dates. Of all the movie watching you get to do. Of the cuddling on the couch watching Modern Family on a random Thursday night you do. Of all the eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner out at any restaurant that you do [which is why I avoid all restaurants on the weekends.] I know this is unhealthy and I promise I will resolve this problem in a matter of weeks...as soon as Daniel is  home. The only thing stopping me from totally falling off the deep end, is knowing that I have the  most perfect fiance excitedly itching to come home to ME! So I'm stopping this rant now, before things get out of hand. Thank you for letting me express myself.

if you want to sleep when he's deployed, read this.

So I haven't slept in about 3 months. That's when Daniel left. If you need a refresher on "why" check out my post on Insomnia from back in January, that outta fill you in on the back story there... For those that are all caught up on my life, I have new details on the sleeping situation. I don't think it's entirely due to his absence. I think it might have to do with the mattress I've been sleeping on since I was 11. It's gotten me through close to 6 or 7 moves, middle school, high school, and college.

Yesterday I decided I was going to steal the brand new super duper comfy queen size mattress from the downstairs bedroom. Now, I have a full and, thus, my bed frame is also a full. But I was determined to make that whole situation work for the hope of having a restful night of sleep for at least the next two months. I'm just glad my dad didn't see me pulling that box spring up the stairs, by myself. He probably would have had a breakdown. But I say, where there's a will, there's a way and my will was determined to find a way to start sleeping.

After realizing a queen is MUCH larger than a full and that my full size bed frame cannot be contortioned into a queen without rebuilding it, my dad offered to "fix" the frame and make it so it will work with my new BIG AND COMFY bed. [Side note, he had to build new sides to my bed out of sheet metal at work today, I didn't even know he could weld!] Last night was my first night on the new mattress [dad convinced me, besides my clear dissapointed that it wouldn't be my complete vision, to put the mattress on the floor for the night] and I must say, I slept much much better. I think I might have found one thing a girl with a deployed Marine should not suffer through, an old uncomfortable mattress. To all the ladies about to go through a deployment, do whatever you must to make your bed as comfortable as possible! You are already going to be having a hard time sleeping once he leaves, so buy extra pillows or a mattress topper, or steal the more comfortable mattress from downstairs. It doesn't do you any good to wait and see if you'll get used him being gone. Spoiler alert: you won't. A girl without her beauty rest for months on end only translates into a girl with more erratice and less reasonable emotions. Save your friends, your family, and yourself all those tears and get a comfy bed!

I can't wait to snuggle in under those covers tonight and catch up on the last three months of sleep I've been missing. By the way, thanks for reading this ridiculously boring post, I just was really excited and needed to share to the "world" about my  new HUGE and COMFY bed :)

The little bed that I've been not-so-sleeping on since he left.

My new giant and amazingly comfortable bed! 

Our Halfway Party

So we made it to the halfway point of this deployment! I thought this day would never ever come...especially that first few weeks, but I am thankful to say...IT'S HERE!!! So per my friend Savannah's request, here are pictures to fill you in on all our fun!

Carrie and Nicole were the first to arrive and I quickly put them to work making cake batter for the cakes in a jar I had everyone make. They all turned out great! Except for the jar the overflowed and then tipped over inside the oven. Ya. and the fact that I ran out of time and no one decorated their jar. But other than that....they were sealed to perfection and, hopefully, everyone will actually ship them to their guy! After I made the girl whip up some cake batter, I enlisted their help in making pizza dough. Carrie totally ruined the first batch cuz she POURED, not sprinkled, the yeast on top. Yep, that's right, I blame my guest :) Lol. Just teasing...it was a joint failure. Everyone had fun making their own dough and baking their pizza with a multitude of toppings. The pizzas didn't quite turn out the way I LIKE them to be since I forgot to turn up the oven from when we baked the cakes. Oh well, doughy pizza is still pizza and it was the memories of fun times we'll take from this night.

These scrumptious delights were one of two desserts we enjoyed. Nicole, our fabulous baker, made these raspberry lemon cupcakes and they were probably the best cupcakes I have ever had. I think I ate 5 total, ya, they were that good. I also made strawberry with dark chocolate cake pops. They are AMAZING also, and I sent everyone home with the leftovers because I knew I would eat the rest this week, if I didn't.

After all the baking and pizza making (wow, that totally rhymed), we settled in for a quiet game of Apples to Apples. Wait, did I say I quiet? Ya, ummm, that's probably the WORST word to describe this next event. I'm pretty sure we only made it about four people into the first round when we were interrupted by our curiosity to know how everyone met their Marine. I learned so much about my new friends! One thing Michelle pointed out, many of us have known our Marine as either a friend or something more, since we were young, like pre-teen braces young. I thought that was interesting. Regardless of how long we all knew our Marines, it is clear there is love in the air! Marine girls are passionate girls and their love is clearly strong and proud. No one was afraid to share their love story. In fact, most of use were jumping with ants in our pants to tell our story. The picture above would be our realization that we all (minus the two mamma's, which we'll let slide since their kids are pretty darn cute) had pictures of our man in their camis on their phone. We just HAD to stop to document this funny fact with a picture.

This has to be my favorite picture from the night. It completely and wholly explains the entire event, without the need for explanation. We laughed until we cried and built new friendships that felt like they've always been apart of our lives.  I know celebrating the halfway point was important to me and I am thankful for everyone that came. It wouldn't have been a party without all of you! and it wouldn't have been a halfway party without the all the love stories, wine, and laughter. Thank you all so much. I promise to improve my hostessing skills to perfection for our next halfway party, which I pray is in many many years to come. That outta give me time to practice anyways

Frozen Shrimp Wife Lessons

I am determined to be a good wife...let me clarify. I am determined to be a good wife that can COOK! Since Daniel has been gone for most of our engagement thus far (aka: wife training time) my dad has been enlisted to be my guinea pig. He eats whatever I make him and even pretends to like all of it. There was only one chicken dish in which he suggested that "salt can always be added later, sweetheart." So, I am cooking up new things, testing my skills, and being quite creative in the kitchen these days. I am excited to not just learn, but MASTER several key recipes before Daniel gets home so that I may impress him with my cooking ability.

The other night I got a little frisky and decided to throw a little wine in the pan where my chicken had been cooking for some time. I thought, hey, I hear people do this all the time, why can't I? Well, thankfully my dad's girlfriend came home just in time to witness me almost ruin my dinner by not having enough liquid. Had she not walked in when she did, I probably would have ended up drunk from all the wine I would have tried to use to get my chicken to finish cooking without burning. BUT, disaster was averted and I learned, on the fly, how to do a "red wine reduction" as she called it. And, might I say, it turned out AMAZING, moist and yummy and purple. I think even Daniel would have like this chicken since it wasn't dry or anything.

As I was scanning the shelves of the freezer tonight, I laid my eyes on a bag full of frozen shrimp. Inspired by the pre-cooked quality of those frozen shellfish, I jumped onto AllRecipes.com and typed in "shrimp" to see what might come up. Eenie, meanie, mineie, mo and I began pouring this liquid and that spice into a plastic baggie while my fishies defrosted under cold running water, in the sink. Now they are marinating in the fridge and I think this meal will be successfully complete with a side of Mexican rice from a recipe I also found on AllRecipes.com. I'll get back to you all on whether it turned out or not.

So, here I am, teaching myself to be a master chef, one that could challenge my other half's natural cooking ability. All I hope is that, with time, I will be able to make consistently delicious dinners for my husband-to-be, ones that he will be proud of me for (and maybe even invite other people to taste, if I'm that good).

Muddied Forgiveness

So I've reached that middle part of the deployment where time is just moving. Week by week I watch myself smile as I cross off another Saturday, wondering how I made it another week and lost in thought about the idea of welcoming him home. Phone calls are fewer and farther between, yet more meaningful than ever. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" and goodbyes that go on for minutes leave me day dreaming for hours about how blessed I am to have this man to love and what a gift his love to me truly is.

The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days.  Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.

It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of  "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.

But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive  him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.

Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.

Who ya gunna call? Not Daniel, maybe the Ghostbusters?

So number one pet peve about deployments might just be that the phone only goes one way. I can't call him when I need tell him something important and he can't exactly always call me either. When there's big important news to share you always want to call your love because he's the one that has always been there for you. Because he knows, without saying anything, why you need to talk to him about this. You don't need to explain yourself or the back story. You don't really even need to explain anything because he already knows what you're going to say. That's why this deployment totally sucks this week for me.

I remember when I graduated college and Daniel was about 3 weeks into bootcamp at that point. I was walking through Target (my favorite celebatory location, of all places I go here to clear my mind) right after I finished my very last college class FOREVER, and I picked up the phone to call Daniel so he could rejoice with me. But as the number rang and went straight to voicemail I was quickly reminded that he is not here to celebrate with me today. He is not here to smile at me and say "Good Job Kaitlyn!" He's not here to give me a hug and tell me how proud he is that I finished what I set out to do. That was a very realistic moment for me, to understand that often times he may not be there when I need or want him the most.

Occasionaly I am reminded of this, even though it's something I fully understand at this point. Just last week I picked up  my phone Friday to call Daniel and ask him where the nearest Radio Shack was cuz I was driving out of town and need to buy a car charger for the portable dvd player thingy. I actually went so far as to go to my "favorite's" list in my phone contacts when I realized he can't exactly pick up from Japan. So I laughed at myself for my silly forgetful nature and put the phone back in my cup holder (which of course is the only place I keep my phone when I'm driving as I am ALWAYS waiting for his phone call, even on the go).

Yesterday wasn't so much a reminder that he's not here to talk to me about what happened, but more of another "knotch on my belt" of experiences gone through without him here. And now I'm more concerned with him finding out the news from anyone other than myself, and that's not exactly a comfort knowing I'm not there to ease his mind when he hears then news. I guess I signed up for this but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. Today I wish there was a phone I could call and be like "Hey, I need to talk to my Marine like NOW!" But we all know that's not exactly how is works. After not talking to him for somewhere between 7 and 14 days I get to enjoy a fun conversation about this horrible tradjedy back home. Not exactly what you want to spend your precious time talking about, but it's not something I can keep until he comes home. So, I keep waiting another day or maybe another week for the phone to ring.

We are Truly Blessed

So I cried a few wedding tears today. They were silent, and I think the only one that noticed was my sister Casie. But, tears of joy were deffinetly in my eyes and heart today when I first laid eyes on the venue that I (and Daniel through my brief explanation) really really really love. It was all because I saw the place I want to get married. I saw the grass I want to walk down the isle and look into the eyes of my future husband. I saw the tree I want to stand under when I promise him the rest of my life. I saw the vision of chairs filled by our family and friends all there to support our love and our future together. I saw our wedding, as perfect as I had ever imagined it could be. And so my eyes welled up with the realization that this very well could be the place we say "We Do" to loving eachother forever and for always.

Today was very special. Not only did my mom, sister, and Daniel's mom fall in love with my wedding dress, just as I had already, but we also got to dream about this wedding and what the vision for that day will look like. Among the many details and possibilities, one theme runs strong. Something I know Daniel would agree with me on. Our wedding is going to have a strong sense of family and of community. We want our wedding to reflect our love for all our many family members and friends we have been blessed to share this life with. We truly are fortunate to have so many amazing people in our lives that bring us more joy and laughter and excitement and love and strength than you ever realize.

We can't hardly wait for the wedding to be here. In case you were wondering, we will be busy in May every year, starting next spring. Celebrating our anniversary, that is. I Love You Daniel Allen Solnok. You are the one God made for me and the one I choose to love today, tomorrow, and every day that is to come. Miss you so much and counting down the days until I can give you another kiss.