I am determined to be a good wife...let me clarify. I am determined to be a good wife that can COOK! Since Daniel has been gone for most of our engagement thus far (aka: wife training time) my dad has been enlisted to be my guinea pig. He eats whatever I make him and even pretends to like all of it. There was only one chicken dish in which he suggested that "salt can always be added later, sweetheart." So, I am cooking up new things, testing my skills, and being quite creative in the kitchen these days. I am excited to not just learn, but MASTER several key recipes before Daniel gets home so that I may impress him with my cooking ability.
The other night I got a little frisky and decided to throw a little wine in the pan where my chicken had been cooking for some time. I thought, hey, I hear people do this all the time, why can't I? Well, thankfully my dad's girlfriend came home just in time to witness me almost ruin my dinner by not having enough liquid. Had she not walked in when she did, I probably would have ended up drunk from all the wine I would have tried to use to get my chicken to finish cooking without burning. BUT, disaster was averted and I learned, on the fly, how to do a "red wine reduction" as she called it. And, might I say, it turned out AMAZING, moist and yummy and purple. I think even Daniel would have like this chicken since it wasn't dry or anything.
As I was scanning the shelves of the freezer tonight, I laid my eyes on a bag full of frozen shrimp. Inspired by the pre-cooked quality of those frozen shellfish, I jumped onto AllRecipes.com and typed in "shrimp" to see what might come up. Eenie, meanie, mineie, mo and I began pouring this liquid and that spice into a plastic baggie while my fishies defrosted under cold running water, in the sink. Now they are marinating in the fridge and I think this meal will be successfully complete with a side of Mexican rice from a recipe I also found on AllRecipes.com. I'll get back to you all on whether it turned out or not.
So, here I am, teaching myself to be a master chef, one that could challenge my other half's natural cooking ability. All I hope is that, with time, I will be able to make consistently delicious dinners for my husband-to-be, ones that he will be proud of me for (and maybe even invite other people to taste, if I'm that good).
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Muddied Forgiveness
So I've reached that middle part of the deployment where time is just moving. Week by week I watch myself smile as I cross off another Saturday, wondering how I made it another week and lost in thought about the idea of welcoming him home. Phone calls are fewer and farther between, yet more meaningful than ever. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" and goodbyes that go on for minutes leave me day dreaming for hours about how blessed I am to have this man to love and what a gift his love to me truly is.
The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days. Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.
It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.
But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.
Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.
The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days. Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.
It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.
But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.
Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Who ya gunna call? Not Daniel, maybe the Ghostbusters?
So number one pet peve about deployments might just be that the phone only goes one way. I can't call him when I need tell him something important and he can't exactly always call me either. When there's big important news to share you always want to call your love because he's the one that has always been there for you. Because he knows, without saying anything, why you need to talk to him about this. You don't need to explain yourself or the back story. You don't really even need to explain anything because he already knows what you're going to say. That's why this deployment totally sucks this week for me.
I remember when I graduated college and Daniel was about 3 weeks into bootcamp at that point. I was walking through Target (my favorite celebatory location, of all places I go here to clear my mind) right after I finished my very last college class FOREVER, and I picked up the phone to call Daniel so he could rejoice with me. But as the number rang and went straight to voicemail I was quickly reminded that he is not here to celebrate with me today. He is not here to smile at me and say "Good Job Kaitlyn!" He's not here to give me a hug and tell me how proud he is that I finished what I set out to do. That was a very realistic moment for me, to understand that often times he may not be there when I need or want him the most.
Occasionaly I am reminded of this, even though it's something I fully understand at this point. Just last week I picked up my phone Friday to call Daniel and ask him where the nearest Radio Shack was cuz I was driving out of town and need to buy a car charger for the portable dvd player thingy. I actually went so far as to go to my "favorite's" list in my phone contacts when I realized he can't exactly pick up from Japan. So I laughed at myself for my silly forgetful nature and put the phone back in my cup holder (which of course is the only place I keep my phone when I'm driving as I am ALWAYS waiting for his phone call, even on the go).
Yesterday wasn't so much a reminder that he's not here to talk to me about what happened, but more of another "knotch on my belt" of experiences gone through without him here. And now I'm more concerned with him finding out the news from anyone other than myself, and that's not exactly a comfort knowing I'm not there to ease his mind when he hears then news. I guess I signed up for this but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. Today I wish there was a phone I could call and be like "Hey, I need to talk to my Marine like NOW!" But we all know that's not exactly how is works. After not talking to him for somewhere between 7 and 14 days I get to enjoy a fun conversation about this horrible tradjedy back home. Not exactly what you want to spend your precious time talking about, but it's not something I can keep until he comes home. So, I keep waiting another day or maybe another week for the phone to ring.
I remember when I graduated college and Daniel was about 3 weeks into bootcamp at that point. I was walking through Target (my favorite celebatory location, of all places I go here to clear my mind) right after I finished my very last college class FOREVER, and I picked up the phone to call Daniel so he could rejoice with me. But as the number rang and went straight to voicemail I was quickly reminded that he is not here to celebrate with me today. He is not here to smile at me and say "Good Job Kaitlyn!" He's not here to give me a hug and tell me how proud he is that I finished what I set out to do. That was a very realistic moment for me, to understand that often times he may not be there when I need or want him the most.
Occasionaly I am reminded of this, even though it's something I fully understand at this point. Just last week I picked up my phone Friday to call Daniel and ask him where the nearest Radio Shack was cuz I was driving out of town and need to buy a car charger for the portable dvd player thingy. I actually went so far as to go to my "favorite's" list in my phone contacts when I realized he can't exactly pick up from Japan. So I laughed at myself for my silly forgetful nature and put the phone back in my cup holder (which of course is the only place I keep my phone when I'm driving as I am ALWAYS waiting for his phone call, even on the go).
Yesterday wasn't so much a reminder that he's not here to talk to me about what happened, but more of another "knotch on my belt" of experiences gone through without him here. And now I'm more concerned with him finding out the news from anyone other than myself, and that's not exactly a comfort knowing I'm not there to ease his mind when he hears then news. I guess I signed up for this but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. Today I wish there was a phone I could call and be like "Hey, I need to talk to my Marine like NOW!" But we all know that's not exactly how is works. After not talking to him for somewhere between 7 and 14 days I get to enjoy a fun conversation about this horrible tradjedy back home. Not exactly what you want to spend your precious time talking about, but it's not something I can keep until he comes home. So, I keep waiting another day or maybe another week for the phone to ring.
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