It's 6:30am and I'm on my second cup of coffee, feeling pretty awake at this point. I woke up at 5:20am to see my future husband off to work this morning and you know what, it felt good. I am looking forward to taking care of him in a new way as we start combining our lives. With an endless list of honey-do's between now and June 16th (our wedding), moments like this recenter my focus and remind me why the crazy is worth the anxiety and stress.
I feel such a sense of peace making his morning coffee or packing his snack, especially when I beg him to let me cook up a breakfast sandwich at 5:30am while he groans with that look that says "Thank you, but my stomach isn't quite awake yet." I understand that the novelty of all my new wifely duties might wear off, but for now I am basking in the contentedness I get from taking care of my soon to be husband. I pray it never gets "old" and that I continue to enjoy the whole taking care of a household role. I have a feeling it runs in my genes to feel complete and satisfied with a life centered on taking care of my family....I know this because my mom was always so good at it. Of all the things I could say about my mom, she was born to care for a family and taught me how to create a home just as she did.
Aannnndddd, with 37 days left before the wedding, my wedding website checklist says I still have 60 of my 120 tasks left to complete. Two more things to get done this weekend, RINGS AND TUXES!
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, July 24, 2011
We Made It!
I'm sitting here, after a long weekend filled with family and laughter and memories, realizing that we are coming to the end of this deployment. One thing I can't get off my mind is how I can't hardly believe we have survived an entire deployment. Months of separation, missing his face and voice, infrequent phone calls, they are all coming to an end. I feel like giving him a high-five right now because, seriously, WE DID IT!
I remember the moment that bussed rolled away and how angry I was at it for taking him from me for the next 6 months. I stood there, thinking, this is never going to end, he's gone for what seems an eternity, and I'm never going to survive this heartbreak. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but imagining the next half a year without him seemed impossible and I had no idea where the strength to get through it was going to come from.
Then a sweet girl next time took my hand and told me I wasn't alone and I'll be okay. It did help and I didn't even cry the whole drive home. It actually took a few days for things to settle in for me to realize, wow, he's really gone. I guess my mind automatically (like muscle memory) reverted back to my college days and weekly visits and living 70 miles apart. But once my "muscles" finally understood this was a totally different and much longer situation, I had my first break down. And they continued to come in waves over the next 6 weeks. I would say those first 6 weeks were the hardest on me, trying to discover a new routine and making plans to keep my mind from wandering. It didn't help that a major natural disaster occurred like the first week he was gone and we had no idea if they were affected or not. But by the time May hit, I was feeling pretty confident about my coping mechanisms and ability to maintain my often unstable emotional state.
I learned that keeping a full schedule during the weekend hours is completely and totally necessary. For the most part, I stood by this rule, religiously. The hardest times were the Fridays when I would be sitting at work with no motivation to start my weekend like everyone else. Those weekends when I failed to plan activities with friends or family made the entire week drag on and my emotions were unpredictable. Thankfully, I have many people in my life that didn't mind a weekend visitor and I was able to keep busy, for the most part.
Now, when I look back at this time and the heartbreak that came with his departure, I am astounded that it's almost over. I still look in awe at all the families out there going through deployments and ask myself, "How do they do it? They have a baby? It's for a year? They just got married?!" But now, I understand the "how" because the "why" is what gives us all hope.
....and if we made it, you can to. He's the "why" to your "how" and you're his too. I promise you will be okay, just keep yourself entertained, take time to get pampered, and pray for the strength to get through each day. God provided sanity and hope for me and he can for you too, if you just remember to rely less on yourself, and more on him. The hardest days of all, were the days I tried to do it all on my lonesome....
I am proud of us, we made it through and we get each other back very soon. I just keep thinking about how amazing it is to know, WE MADE IT!
I remember the moment that bussed rolled away and how angry I was at it for taking him from me for the next 6 months. I stood there, thinking, this is never going to end, he's gone for what seems an eternity, and I'm never going to survive this heartbreak. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but imagining the next half a year without him seemed impossible and I had no idea where the strength to get through it was going to come from.
Then a sweet girl next time took my hand and told me I wasn't alone and I'll be okay. It did help and I didn't even cry the whole drive home. It actually took a few days for things to settle in for me to realize, wow, he's really gone. I guess my mind automatically (like muscle memory) reverted back to my college days and weekly visits and living 70 miles apart. But once my "muscles" finally understood this was a totally different and much longer situation, I had my first break down. And they continued to come in waves over the next 6 weeks. I would say those first 6 weeks were the hardest on me, trying to discover a new routine and making plans to keep my mind from wandering. It didn't help that a major natural disaster occurred like the first week he was gone and we had no idea if they were affected or not. But by the time May hit, I was feeling pretty confident about my coping mechanisms and ability to maintain my often unstable emotional state.
I learned that keeping a full schedule during the weekend hours is completely and totally necessary. For the most part, I stood by this rule, religiously. The hardest times were the Fridays when I would be sitting at work with no motivation to start my weekend like everyone else. Those weekends when I failed to plan activities with friends or family made the entire week drag on and my emotions were unpredictable. Thankfully, I have many people in my life that didn't mind a weekend visitor and I was able to keep busy, for the most part.
Now, when I look back at this time and the heartbreak that came with his departure, I am astounded that it's almost over. I still look in awe at all the families out there going through deployments and ask myself, "How do they do it? They have a baby? It's for a year? They just got married?!" But now, I understand the "how" because the "why" is what gives us all hope.
....and if we made it, you can to. He's the "why" to your "how" and you're his too. I promise you will be okay, just keep yourself entertained, take time to get pampered, and pray for the strength to get through each day. God provided sanity and hope for me and he can for you too, if you just remember to rely less on yourself, and more on him. The hardest days of all, were the days I tried to do it all on my lonesome....
I am proud of us, we made it through and we get each other back very soon. I just keep thinking about how amazing it is to know, WE MADE IT!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Our big floppy hats
Oh my, what a weekend we had! Chelsea, Amanda, and I went to visit Amanda's family in La Cresta, CA...they live in this beautiful home nestled in the mountains behind Camp Pendleton where they built "Sheffield Regional Park" as they call it. This was the girls weekend we ALL needed, each for our very own reason:
(Amanda) needed to get over her jerk of a boyfriend for breaking up with her
(Chelsea) needed to get her mind off her anxiety about her NCLEX (her big nursing test)
(Me) needed to find a way to make this weekend (and all of the next ones till he's home) pass quickly.
I am happy to report, the trip was a success. Amanda is amazing and strong and is moving on! Chelsea found out she passed her test, and the rest of the weekend was stress free for her. I was so busy celebrating with them both I hardly had time to think about myself.
(Amanda) needed to get over her jerk of a boyfriend for breaking up with her
(Chelsea) needed to get her mind off her anxiety about her NCLEX (her big nursing test)
(Me) needed to find a way to make this weekend (and all of the next ones till he's home) pass quickly.
I am happy to report, the trip was a success. Amanda is amazing and strong and is moving on! Chelsea found out she passed her test, and the rest of the weekend was stress free for her. I was so busy celebrating with them both I hardly had time to think about myself.
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| We bought big floppy hats at Target and went to the beach |
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| Chels and Amanda at the beach |
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| Some family friends of Amanda's, they were both so sweet |
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| Celebrating our "success" this weekend at Amanda's parents house |
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Frozen Shrimp Wife Lessons
I am determined to be a good wife...let me clarify. I am determined to be a good wife that can COOK! Since Daniel has been gone for most of our engagement thus far (aka: wife training time) my dad has been enlisted to be my guinea pig. He eats whatever I make him and even pretends to like all of it. There was only one chicken dish in which he suggested that "salt can always be added later, sweetheart." So, I am cooking up new things, testing my skills, and being quite creative in the kitchen these days. I am excited to not just learn, but MASTER several key recipes before Daniel gets home so that I may impress him with my cooking ability.
The other night I got a little frisky and decided to throw a little wine in the pan where my chicken had been cooking for some time. I thought, hey, I hear people do this all the time, why can't I? Well, thankfully my dad's girlfriend came home just in time to witness me almost ruin my dinner by not having enough liquid. Had she not walked in when she did, I probably would have ended up drunk from all the wine I would have tried to use to get my chicken to finish cooking without burning. BUT, disaster was averted and I learned, on the fly, how to do a "red wine reduction" as she called it. And, might I say, it turned out AMAZING, moist and yummy and purple. I think even Daniel would have like this chicken since it wasn't dry or anything.
As I was scanning the shelves of the freezer tonight, I laid my eyes on a bag full of frozen shrimp. Inspired by the pre-cooked quality of those frozen shellfish, I jumped onto AllRecipes.com and typed in "shrimp" to see what might come up. Eenie, meanie, mineie, mo and I began pouring this liquid and that spice into a plastic baggie while my fishies defrosted under cold running water, in the sink. Now they are marinating in the fridge and I think this meal will be successfully complete with a side of Mexican rice from a recipe I also found on AllRecipes.com. I'll get back to you all on whether it turned out or not.
So, here I am, teaching myself to be a master chef, one that could challenge my other half's natural cooking ability. All I hope is that, with time, I will be able to make consistently delicious dinners for my husband-to-be, ones that he will be proud of me for (and maybe even invite other people to taste, if I'm that good).
The other night I got a little frisky and decided to throw a little wine in the pan where my chicken had been cooking for some time. I thought, hey, I hear people do this all the time, why can't I? Well, thankfully my dad's girlfriend came home just in time to witness me almost ruin my dinner by not having enough liquid. Had she not walked in when she did, I probably would have ended up drunk from all the wine I would have tried to use to get my chicken to finish cooking without burning. BUT, disaster was averted and I learned, on the fly, how to do a "red wine reduction" as she called it. And, might I say, it turned out AMAZING, moist and yummy and purple. I think even Daniel would have like this chicken since it wasn't dry or anything.
As I was scanning the shelves of the freezer tonight, I laid my eyes on a bag full of frozen shrimp. Inspired by the pre-cooked quality of those frozen shellfish, I jumped onto AllRecipes.com and typed in "shrimp" to see what might come up. Eenie, meanie, mineie, mo and I began pouring this liquid and that spice into a plastic baggie while my fishies defrosted under cold running water, in the sink. Now they are marinating in the fridge and I think this meal will be successfully complete with a side of Mexican rice from a recipe I also found on AllRecipes.com. I'll get back to you all on whether it turned out or not.
So, here I am, teaching myself to be a master chef, one that could challenge my other half's natural cooking ability. All I hope is that, with time, I will be able to make consistently delicious dinners for my husband-to-be, ones that he will be proud of me for (and maybe even invite other people to taste, if I'm that good).
Monday, May 16, 2011
Muddied Forgiveness
So I've reached that middle part of the deployment where time is just moving. Week by week I watch myself smile as I cross off another Saturday, wondering how I made it another week and lost in thought about the idea of welcoming him home. Phone calls are fewer and farther between, yet more meaningful than ever. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" and goodbyes that go on for minutes leave me day dreaming for hours about how blessed I am to have this man to love and what a gift his love to me truly is.
The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days. Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.
It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.
But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.
Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.
The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days. Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.
It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.
But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.
Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Prayers, Babies, and Deployments
So the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. Randy has been in the hospital and I helped out with the girls this past week. Wow, was that the best birth control EVER! I love love love my neices more than anything, but I was happy to have my mom there to help me after one day of doing it alone! Those girls take a lot of energy to keep up with, my goodness.
Daniel and I had a nice weekend together. Went to Hollywood and saw the Playboy Mansion which was surprisingly exciting. Morea just melted my heart this weekend. This is how she melted my heart:
Morea: (pointing to the picture of Daniel and I on my phone) "Uncle!"
Me: (thinking she meant me) "No that's Auntie"
Morea: "NO, that's your friend"
Me: "You're right!"
Morea: "That's your friend, Daniel. I want to play with your friend, Daniel!"
Omgoodness it was so cute! And when Daniel and I went to see them the next day she was so excited and wanted him to "high-five" her with the Mister Potatoe Head hands. It was adorable. It was so sweet to see them playing together and to see him enjoying spending time with my family. The day before he told me was looking forward to seeing my family and spending the day together. What a way to make me melt!
All I can think about it how amazing it will be to have him home again. Next Tuesday he flys into Sacramento and then we'll head home so his parents can see him. I am just overly excited to move to Oakley in four weeks so we can finally be together. It will be the best thing in the world to live so close. Hopefully by the end of summer we will be able to move in together, which will be even better.
Next wednesday is also a big day for us because we will be finding out about his deployment, if and when it will be. But as we all know, nothing in the military is for sure until it happens so I'm not gunna hold my breath too long or freak out right away. I love Daniel and I just can't wait to be home with him!
Please keep Randy in your prayers. He is in for a liver transplant today and the recovery will be quite lengthy. God is amazing and has worked so many miracles already. We pray he continues to bless our family with Randy's health improvement.
Daniel and I had a nice weekend together. Went to Hollywood and saw the Playboy Mansion which was surprisingly exciting. Morea just melted my heart this weekend. This is how she melted my heart:
Morea: (pointing to the picture of Daniel and I on my phone) "Uncle!"
Me: (thinking she meant me) "No that's Auntie"
Morea: "NO, that's your friend"
Me: "You're right!"
Morea: "That's your friend, Daniel. I want to play with your friend, Daniel!"
Omgoodness it was so cute! And when Daniel and I went to see them the next day she was so excited and wanted him to "high-five" her with the Mister Potatoe Head hands. It was adorable. It was so sweet to see them playing together and to see him enjoying spending time with my family. The day before he told me was looking forward to seeing my family and spending the day together. What a way to make me melt!
All I can think about it how amazing it will be to have him home again. Next Tuesday he flys into Sacramento and then we'll head home so his parents can see him. I am just overly excited to move to Oakley in four weeks so we can finally be together. It will be the best thing in the world to live so close. Hopefully by the end of summer we will be able to move in together, which will be even better.
Next wednesday is also a big day for us because we will be finding out about his deployment, if and when it will be. But as we all know, nothing in the military is for sure until it happens so I'm not gunna hold my breath too long or freak out right away. I love Daniel and I just can't wait to be home with him!
Please keep Randy in your prayers. He is in for a liver transplant today and the recovery will be quite lengthy. God is amazing and has worked so many miracles already. We pray he continues to bless our family with Randy's health improvement.
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