The Top 5 countdown of what we've been up to as of late:

5. For the past 6 weeks, we have been feverishly searching for a home! This is proving to be on of the most taxing and frustrating, but potentially most rewarding, experiences this year. We are praying things are figured out in time for the wedding which means, as you can imagine, I am concerned freaking out about where we will be living come June.


4. I go in for my interview for the teaching credential program THIS FRIDAY! If all goes well and they think I'm qualified enough for their program, I will be on my way to becoming an elementary school teacher beginning June 25 (the day we come home from our honeymoon, so I actually will be missing the first day of class.)


3. Wedding planning. Lots of wedding planning. We recently did our invitations, Daniel had his bachelor party a few weeks ago, my bridal shower is in two weeks, we are working on getting our passports for Cabo, and my dad built these awesome centerpiece boxes for the tables out of reclaimed fencing wood! So, lots of wedding planning going on.


2. Daniel has been going to school and it looks like he'll be taking several summer courses also. Drill is this weekend which bums us both out because we like to spend our weekends TOGETHER, of course. How many more years of this??? I think 3 1/2...wow that's a long time. I'll be almost 28! Just in time for babies maybe??? Just kidding, more like, just in time to buy a house/travel/have lots of selfish fun before the kids come time.  


1. My birthday was yesterday so my lovely fiance took me out and spoiled me Saturday (since he had school till' late last night.) He bought me a new bathing suit for Cabo and all of our friends joined us for dinner at Sasa Restaurant (an amazing sushi place in Walnut Creek.) Then my dad treated me to Chinese food last night and we spent the evening catching up on Grey's, Toddlers & Tiaras, and Army Wives. My mom is cooking me dinner tonight, Amanda & Chels are coming tomorrow to take me out, and Saturday I am going antique shopping with Sue in search of a pillbox hat with a bird cage veil for my shower! I have been spoiled with love this year, turning 24 has turned out to be a fruitful age and Daniel says it is a big birthday this year because it's the age I'll be when we get married! He can be so romantic when he wants to :)

Today I am thankful for the GI Bill

It's been almost one year since I said goodbye to my Marine and sent him off to the Asian Pacific to learn the art of jungle warfare. This time last year we were preparing for goodbyes, spending ample time with friends and family, soaking in the moments before the big departure. Then I worried about my broken heart for 6 months, waiting in angst for his return. Upon his return, new worries began, worries that have only recently been resolved and resolutions I wish to share with you all tonight as I am OH SO PROUD of my soon to be husband.

The resolutions, you may ask, why of course! Let me share! Drum roll please...........We finally have a plan!!!!

Okay, so a "plan" may not seem like such a big accomplishment to some, so let me explain. After Daniel got home, the reality of our approaching nuptials brought on quite a scare in terms of our financial status. We realized that it was time for us to figure things out, he needed full time work and I needed to decided what the heck I was doing with my life (going to school or keep working). Daniel had so many directions he was pursuing, it seemed that we were running without feet (think road runner when he's running in one spot and not going anywhere.) It was getting scary, let me tell you. The stress was high as I was pressing him to make up his mind and pick something, anything!


I was honestly starting to lose hope that we were ever going to able to move out. I started thinking, maybe we'll just be one of those married couples that live at home, that'll be okay, it will HAVE to be okay. I'll just work this little job, making enough money to pay the bills, and we'll live on unemployment forever. OKAY, so I wasn't exactly happy with this "plan", actually it was causing more stress than I'm really letting on.

It's not like when active duty military return home from deployment, they go right back to their job after a nice little break. No, Daniel was flat OUT OF WORK. He was not coming home to a purpose or a cause, he was coming home to me and nothing more (and I don't pay much). He had been caring for his grandfather before he left, full time. Right before the deployment they transitioned grandpa into an assisted living home, then Daniel boarded a plane and headed to Japan. So when he came home, he really had absolutely no direction and although I didn't want to admit it, I was losing hope that he would figure it out in time. The crappy economy in our area and the lack of opportunity did not equal a quick remedy for our situation.

That's when he figured it out.

He made a brave and bold choice to use his GI Bill and return to school to get an education. THANK THE LORD FOR THE GI BILL! If it wasn't for the GI Bill,  he would not have taken this opportunity to receive an education and complete this Process-Technology program he's so excited about. This has given us new-found hope and the chance to really make a positive step in our life together. I am beyond thankful for the American Government's generosity in affording us this opportunity. I could not be more proud of my husband-to-be as he ventures out to conquer his future with excitement and motivation, giving us BOTH a chance at the life we desire to share together. This is the direction we needed and I am so thankful it is in our grasp.

God had a plan, I just needed to wait for it. Here begins the next chapter of our life with a clear plan and a path we can see to follow. Thank you Lord.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, school starts tomorrow. Wish him luck!

Things I'm Learning Lately

We are full swing into wedding planning! Yes, I have the venue picked, the date picked, caterers to taste,  the cake maker (if that's the right word) chosen, my dress, some of the bridesmaid dresses, and my photographer! These last 4 weeks have been more productive than the previous 6 months, since Daniel has been home to help make decisions. His input has been very useful and his insight into what HE thinks I truly want from our wedding has been mostly accurate. It's relieving to know how well he understands pretty much everything about me, well most of the time it's relieving. There is just one small detail that I've run across lately that I don't like that he knows....how horrible I am at saving money.

I'm a shopper, there's no secret there. We can all blame either my God-mom or my own mother for that one, as they both had heavy influences on teaching me about Macy's Shoe Sales, how to get your mall-walk on, and the difference between Nordstrom and Target. I love shoes, and clothes, and getting my nails done, and lots of pretty new things.When he first proposed, the wedding seemed so far away that I just kept thinking, "Saving? Oh, I'll get around to that, right now I just need this new dress!" Now that we are less than 9 months away, it all feels much more real and the motivation is finally here to think realistically about our budget needs for this wedding and for our life together.

So, I am learning to save. I didn't think I had it in me, honestly. I have never been good at saving money but I am set to prove Daniel wrong about my spending habits! I have already saved a nice stash and it feels really refreshing to have some money to my name, "just in case" (for the wedding or whatever comes up.) I don't know why I never did this before, I guess I was too busy walking around DSW.

I think I'll keep the amount I have saved a secret from him for as long as possible so that one day I can say, "Look honey, I have $_______ saved!" And he'll be so proud of me and then we can take a fabulous honeymoon to celebrate.

Welcome Home Marine

Well here we are, 23 weeks later, and couldn't possibly be any happier. He's home, thank God. It all seems like it went by in the blink of an eye, as though he never really left. Life just feel so normal with him here, nothing has really changed, except maybe that our appreciation for each other and for our families has grown leaps and bounds. Otherwise, life is just as it should be. Within 24 hours of him being home, it felt like he had never left and I had to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dream and he isn't leaving again for a long long time.

Here is the last week in a nutshell: (Can't believe it's been a week!)

The first two days home, we spent quality time with his parents eating great food, drinking good wine, and learning of Daniel's travels around the world and back. Saturday was the big Welcome Home Party, and most of our family and friends were able to come celebrate his return! It is comforting knowing we have all of their support and love to always get us through. Sunday was another family day and we decided to see a much overdue movie, Captain America. Then came Monday, and we both got the flu. He headed back off to San Bruno Tuesday and we will be reunited again on Friday for date night! Life is sweet.

Time to start wedding planning! Yay! A few pictures to share....

Waiting waiting waiting patiently!

So happy to finally be together

Daniel and his Mom

The First Hug

Our big floppy hats

Oh my, what a weekend we had! Chelsea, Amanda, and I went to visit Amanda's family in La Cresta, CA...they live in this beautiful home nestled in the mountains behind Camp Pendleton where they built "Sheffield Regional Park" as they call it. This was the girls weekend we ALL needed, each for our very own reason:

(Amanda) needed to get over her jerk of a boyfriend for breaking up with her

(Chelsea) needed  to get her mind off her anxiety about her NCLEX (her big nursing test)

(Me) needed to find a way to make this weekend (and all of the next ones till he's home) pass quickly.

I am happy to report, the trip was a success. Amanda is amazing and strong and is moving on! Chelsea found out she passed her test, and the rest of the weekend was stress free for her. I was so busy celebrating with them both I hardly had time to think about myself. 

We bought big floppy hats at Target and went to the beach

Chels and Amanda at the beach

Some family friends of Amanda's, they were both so sweet

Celebrating our "success" this weekend at Amanda's parents house

   

You aren't weak. You are strong.

First off I want to start this post by saying I am in extreme pain because I got this horrible sunburn in the middle of my back, you know, right where you can't reach, smack dab in the middle?

I realized this was going to happen about the time I decided I hate hate hate that Daniel isn't here to enjoy our life with me, together, like we should be. I went with my dad to the lake this weekend, which was lots of fun, but I couldn't help wishing my other half was there to lounge in the sun or learn to wake surf with me. I told him last night when I talked to him that, regardless of how much I might drive him nuts, I'm not going anywhere without him when he gets home. I realize that I "signed up for this," whatever, save all that "it was your choice" crap for someone else. I get it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not trying to sit around and pretend that I'm some super strong crazy person who is so in love that the distance only "brings us closer." You are talking to the wrong engaged girl here. It's like missing half your body, half your joy, half your peace, and all of your heart. By the time Daniel gets home he will have been gone for a total of 12 months in the last 20 months. I am ready to smother that boy with my love and affection until he begs for a day at the shooting range with his boys.

I'm not ashamed that I'm not emotionally hard as steel and that I feel like breaking down into tears (and often do) whenever I see a current picture of him posted by one of his friends on Facebook. There's something about seeing his most up-to-date face that makes me want to kiss the computer screen while filling up a few buckets with my tears. You want the truth about military life, it fricken sucks. Don't let anyone tell you that being "strong" means you aren't allowed to feel your emotions. Go ahead girls, feel em', embrace em', and accept them. They are here to stay and some days they are going to tear you down to little bitty pieces. But other days, you're going to feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach and you're going to feel that smile growing when you realize just how much time has passed and how close you are to the finish line.

If I could tell Daniel anything right now, in this moment, I would say I know we will be together forever and for always because I know how blessed I am to have your love and to love another this much. If I'm thankful for anything with this deployment, it's that it proved to me just how meant-to-be we are and how right the timing of our new beginning is. I would tell him I love you more than absolutely anything in this entire world and if I had endless amounts of money I would have followed you to and from every country you've been in these last few months just so I could give you a kiss now and then.

Deployments suck, I'm not embarrassed to admit that. You shouldn't be either. Love your man, stand by your man, and remember how blessed you are that God gave you this opportunity to learn what love and commitment truly means. You aren't weak because you cry, you're strong because you can cry without giving up. You aren't weak because you resent this deployment, you're strong because you recognize the positive impact it could have on your relationship, if you let it. You aren't weak because you wish he was here, you're strong because you are willing to wait patiently for his infrequent phone calls and far off return. Keep calm and carry on, because that's all we really can do in times like these.

 I sure miss this boy of mine

Muddied Forgiveness

So I've reached that middle part of the deployment where time is just moving. Week by week I watch myself smile as I cross off another Saturday, wondering how I made it another week and lost in thought about the idea of welcoming him home. Phone calls are fewer and farther between, yet more meaningful than ever. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" and goodbyes that go on for minutes leave me day dreaming for hours about how blessed I am to have this man to love and what a gift his love to me truly is.

The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days.  Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.

It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of  "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.

But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive  him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.

Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.

Changes on the Horizon

Sooooooooooo I made a very important decision this weekend. We debated it back and forth, over and over, upside down and inside out. I wanted to be sure it was the right choice and the right now. And I think, in the end, it is. I decided.....drum roll please..... I am moving home! I am going to be moving home to be closer to my family and of course my love. As of June 11 I will be living in Oakley again, with my dad, atleast for a bit. Daniel and I are working on getting things settled for our own place, but that requires BOTH of us to get working back home so I better find a job quick!

I am really excited about it. I was back home this weekend and spent some time with my dad and Daniel's parents and I just felt so at peace there. I know this is the right decision to be made and I am really looking forward to being so close to everyone I love. It will be really hard leaving my two best friends, though. We have grown up together in the hardest times of our lives and challenged and supported eachother through so much. I love Chelsea and Amanda as my family and leaving them is going to be very sad. But......there is even more to come home to so of course this is all worth it! Actually, everything is fitting into place like a perfect little puzzle. I was listening to Air One radio this morning and heard something really inspiring...they were talking about how you know if the choices you are making are what God wants for you. When you make a choice that brings you peace you can be assured that God wanted you to take that path. I feel very much at peace and know that this is where he want me to head. Looking forward to moving in 7 weeks!! :)

p.s. I get to see the most amazingly perfect-for-me man in less than 4 days, yay!!! :)

Saying Goodbye to Goodbyes

So, I thought I would start a blog because I always seem to have something to say and there just enough space on Facebook to say it. Now Amanda thinks the title of my blog may come off as a bit stalkerish, so if you have a better suggestion, let me know, because I couldn't come up with anything better. I am going to use this space to write out all my emotions, good and bad because I need a place to share it all. There is just so much changing and going on in my life right now and sometimes I need to let it all out. I know my roomies are tired of hearing about all the "what-if's" of my life because it stresses them out when I change my plans too much and they just told me to stop telling them my ideas until I make up my mind. So.....I guess I will be writing it all out on here so I have someone to tell, even if it is cyberworld.

So, as many of you may know, I have been visiting Daniel every weekend for the last four weeks. I drive the 8 hour drive to spend friday night through Sunday night with my love, and of course it is worth it. But this weekend I don't get to go. Partly because I'm an idoit and had to spend and extra $90 on my plane ticket for last weekend when I realized I booked my return flight for Monday MAY 10 not APRIL....therefore I spent all the gas money I could have used to drive down to see him, just to get back to my real life. And as much as I appreciate my work and my boss, real life just isn't very enjoyable without him here. I'm ready for him to be home. I'm ready to not have to say goodbye anymore...well until he has more training or is deployed....but I don't want to say goodbye when we get back to normal life again. So that is where we are at....trying to figure out how not to say goodbye anymore. And that starts with him getting a job. Depending on where that is, I may have to find a new job too. That's why there are so many "what-if's" in my life right now, it's all riding on a bunch of unknowns.

The bottom line, we refuse to say goodbye anymore and we trying to figure out how to change that :)