You aren't weak. You are strong.

First off I want to start this post by saying I am in extreme pain because I got this horrible sunburn in the middle of my back, you know, right where you can't reach, smack dab in the middle?

I realized this was going to happen about the time I decided I hate hate hate that Daniel isn't here to enjoy our life with me, together, like we should be. I went with my dad to the lake this weekend, which was lots of fun, but I couldn't help wishing my other half was there to lounge in the sun or learn to wake surf with me. I told him last night when I talked to him that, regardless of how much I might drive him nuts, I'm not going anywhere without him when he gets home. I realize that I "signed up for this," whatever, save all that "it was your choice" crap for someone else. I get it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not trying to sit around and pretend that I'm some super strong crazy person who is so in love that the distance only "brings us closer." You are talking to the wrong engaged girl here. It's like missing half your body, half your joy, half your peace, and all of your heart. By the time Daniel gets home he will have been gone for a total of 12 months in the last 20 months. I am ready to smother that boy with my love and affection until he begs for a day at the shooting range with his boys.

I'm not ashamed that I'm not emotionally hard as steel and that I feel like breaking down into tears (and often do) whenever I see a current picture of him posted by one of his friends on Facebook. There's something about seeing his most up-to-date face that makes me want to kiss the computer screen while filling up a few buckets with my tears. You want the truth about military life, it fricken sucks. Don't let anyone tell you that being "strong" means you aren't allowed to feel your emotions. Go ahead girls, feel em', embrace em', and accept them. They are here to stay and some days they are going to tear you down to little bitty pieces. But other days, you're going to feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach and you're going to feel that smile growing when you realize just how much time has passed and how close you are to the finish line.

If I could tell Daniel anything right now, in this moment, I would say I know we will be together forever and for always because I know how blessed I am to have your love and to love another this much. If I'm thankful for anything with this deployment, it's that it proved to me just how meant-to-be we are and how right the timing of our new beginning is. I would tell him I love you more than absolutely anything in this entire world and if I had endless amounts of money I would have followed you to and from every country you've been in these last few months just so I could give you a kiss now and then.

Deployments suck, I'm not embarrassed to admit that. You shouldn't be either. Love your man, stand by your man, and remember how blessed you are that God gave you this opportunity to learn what love and commitment truly means. You aren't weak because you cry, you're strong because you can cry without giving up. You aren't weak because you resent this deployment, you're strong because you recognize the positive impact it could have on your relationship, if you let it. You aren't weak because you wish he was here, you're strong because you are willing to wait patiently for his infrequent phone calls and far off return. Keep calm and carry on, because that's all we really can do in times like these.

 I sure miss this boy of mine

Ever Wonder What Happens at My House on a Friday Night?

Tomorrow I get to mark another week off my calendar, so it should be a pretty good day. At least I'm hoping it's a good day. The distance between my future husband and myself is really dragging on me, at this point. I missed him the second I watched that horrible ugly bus drive out those awful and depressing metal gates. Now, take that moment and multiply it by like a thousand and add about 500% plus a 14 hour time difference and you might get to where I am now in my level of wanting him back. It's time. They could have sent him home before he even left the states and  I would have been happy. That's why, tomorrow better be a good fricken day because if it's not, I might have a cry day and watch Army Wives and eat a box full of See's Candy because I know it's not really time to have him back yet.

On a different note, has anyone seen this new show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? If you haven't you really need to go check it out on TLC, it will blow your mind. And no, it's not really about a wedding. In fact, it's more about how I would be considered "shelved" at 23 years old for not being married already. Oh, and the fact that I would never have gone to college and probably would  have like a bunch of babies and a trailer to look after right now. Just go watch it, it's quite entertaining for a boring Friday night at home..alone...again.

Boy of boy, I can NOT wait for Daniel to come home. I've been meaning to blog about this for quite some time, but I've been forgetting too [and I apologize for the all-over-the-placeness of this post.] But, what I've been meaning to say, is that I cannot stand by complacently and watch couples be all, you know, couple-y, anymore. It actually causes a physical reaction in my body, where I must turn my head and try not to puke as my mind fills with selfish thoughts about how jealous I am. Yes, I am super jealous of all of you who get to go on Friday night dates with your honey, and Saturday night dates, and whatever day of the week you choose dates. Of all the movie watching you get to do. Of the cuddling on the couch watching Modern Family on a random Thursday night you do. Of all the eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner out at any restaurant that you do [which is why I avoid all restaurants on the weekends.] I know this is unhealthy and I promise I will resolve this problem in a matter of weeks...as soon as Daniel is  home. The only thing stopping me from totally falling off the deep end, is knowing that I have the  most perfect fiance excitedly itching to come home to ME! So I'm stopping this rant now, before things get out of hand. Thank you for letting me express myself.

if you want to sleep when he's deployed, read this.

So I haven't slept in about 3 months. That's when Daniel left. If you need a refresher on "why" check out my post on Insomnia from back in January, that outta fill you in on the back story there... For those that are all caught up on my life, I have new details on the sleeping situation. I don't think it's entirely due to his absence. I think it might have to do with the mattress I've been sleeping on since I was 11. It's gotten me through close to 6 or 7 moves, middle school, high school, and college.

Yesterday I decided I was going to steal the brand new super duper comfy queen size mattress from the downstairs bedroom. Now, I have a full and, thus, my bed frame is also a full. But I was determined to make that whole situation work for the hope of having a restful night of sleep for at least the next two months. I'm just glad my dad didn't see me pulling that box spring up the stairs, by myself. He probably would have had a breakdown. But I say, where there's a will, there's a way and my will was determined to find a way to start sleeping.

After realizing a queen is MUCH larger than a full and that my full size bed frame cannot be contortioned into a queen without rebuilding it, my dad offered to "fix" the frame and make it so it will work with my new BIG AND COMFY bed. [Side note, he had to build new sides to my bed out of sheet metal at work today, I didn't even know he could weld!] Last night was my first night on the new mattress [dad convinced me, besides my clear dissapointed that it wouldn't be my complete vision, to put the mattress on the floor for the night] and I must say, I slept much much better. I think I might have found one thing a girl with a deployed Marine should not suffer through, an old uncomfortable mattress. To all the ladies about to go through a deployment, do whatever you must to make your bed as comfortable as possible! You are already going to be having a hard time sleeping once he leaves, so buy extra pillows or a mattress topper, or steal the more comfortable mattress from downstairs. It doesn't do you any good to wait and see if you'll get used him being gone. Spoiler alert: you won't. A girl without her beauty rest for months on end only translates into a girl with more erratice and less reasonable emotions. Save your friends, your family, and yourself all those tears and get a comfy bed!

I can't wait to snuggle in under those covers tonight and catch up on the last three months of sleep I've been missing. By the way, thanks for reading this ridiculously boring post, I just was really excited and needed to share to the "world" about my  new HUGE and COMFY bed :)

The little bed that I've been not-so-sleeping on since he left.

My new giant and amazingly comfortable bed! 

Our Halfway Party

So we made it to the halfway point of this deployment! I thought this day would never ever come...especially that first few weeks, but I am thankful to say...IT'S HERE!!! So per my friend Savannah's request, here are pictures to fill you in on all our fun!

Carrie and Nicole were the first to arrive and I quickly put them to work making cake batter for the cakes in a jar I had everyone make. They all turned out great! Except for the jar the overflowed and then tipped over inside the oven. Ya. and the fact that I ran out of time and no one decorated their jar. But other than that....they were sealed to perfection and, hopefully, everyone will actually ship them to their guy! After I made the girl whip up some cake batter, I enlisted their help in making pizza dough. Carrie totally ruined the first batch cuz she POURED, not sprinkled, the yeast on top. Yep, that's right, I blame my guest :) Lol. Just teasing...it was a joint failure. Everyone had fun making their own dough and baking their pizza with a multitude of toppings. The pizzas didn't quite turn out the way I LIKE them to be since I forgot to turn up the oven from when we baked the cakes. Oh well, doughy pizza is still pizza and it was the memories of fun times we'll take from this night.

These scrumptious delights were one of two desserts we enjoyed. Nicole, our fabulous baker, made these raspberry lemon cupcakes and they were probably the best cupcakes I have ever had. I think I ate 5 total, ya, they were that good. I also made strawberry with dark chocolate cake pops. They are AMAZING also, and I sent everyone home with the leftovers because I knew I would eat the rest this week, if I didn't.

After all the baking and pizza making (wow, that totally rhymed), we settled in for a quiet game of Apples to Apples. Wait, did I say I quiet? Ya, ummm, that's probably the WORST word to describe this next event. I'm pretty sure we only made it about four people into the first round when we were interrupted by our curiosity to know how everyone met their Marine. I learned so much about my new friends! One thing Michelle pointed out, many of us have known our Marine as either a friend or something more, since we were young, like pre-teen braces young. I thought that was interesting. Regardless of how long we all knew our Marines, it is clear there is love in the air! Marine girls are passionate girls and their love is clearly strong and proud. No one was afraid to share their love story. In fact, most of use were jumping with ants in our pants to tell our story. The picture above would be our realization that we all (minus the two mamma's, which we'll let slide since their kids are pretty darn cute) had pictures of our man in their camis on their phone. We just HAD to stop to document this funny fact with a picture.

This has to be my favorite picture from the night. It completely and wholly explains the entire event, without the need for explanation. We laughed until we cried and built new friendships that felt like they've always been apart of our lives.  I know celebrating the halfway point was important to me and I am thankful for everyone that came. It wouldn't have been a party without all of you! and it wouldn't have been a halfway party without the all the love stories, wine, and laughter. Thank you all so much. I promise to improve my hostessing skills to perfection for our next halfway party, which I pray is in many many years to come. That outta give me time to practice anyways