Things I'm Learning Lately

We are full swing into wedding planning! Yes, I have the venue picked, the date picked, caterers to taste,  the cake maker (if that's the right word) chosen, my dress, some of the bridesmaid dresses, and my photographer! These last 4 weeks have been more productive than the previous 6 months, since Daniel has been home to help make decisions. His input has been very useful and his insight into what HE thinks I truly want from our wedding has been mostly accurate. It's relieving to know how well he understands pretty much everything about me, well most of the time it's relieving. There is just one small detail that I've run across lately that I don't like that he knows....how horrible I am at saving money.

I'm a shopper, there's no secret there. We can all blame either my God-mom or my own mother for that one, as they both had heavy influences on teaching me about Macy's Shoe Sales, how to get your mall-walk on, and the difference between Nordstrom and Target. I love shoes, and clothes, and getting my nails done, and lots of pretty new things.When he first proposed, the wedding seemed so far away that I just kept thinking, "Saving? Oh, I'll get around to that, right now I just need this new dress!" Now that we are less than 9 months away, it all feels much more real and the motivation is finally here to think realistically about our budget needs for this wedding and for our life together.

So, I am learning to save. I didn't think I had it in me, honestly. I have never been good at saving money but I am set to prove Daniel wrong about my spending habits! I have already saved a nice stash and it feels really refreshing to have some money to my name, "just in case" (for the wedding or whatever comes up.) I don't know why I never did this before, I guess I was too busy walking around DSW.

I think I'll keep the amount I have saved a secret from him for as long as possible so that one day I can say, "Look honey, I have $_______ saved!" And he'll be so proud of me and then we can take a fabulous honeymoon to celebrate.

Welcome Home Marine

Well here we are, 23 weeks later, and couldn't possibly be any happier. He's home, thank God. It all seems like it went by in the blink of an eye, as though he never really left. Life just feel so normal with him here, nothing has really changed, except maybe that our appreciation for each other and for our families has grown leaps and bounds. Otherwise, life is just as it should be. Within 24 hours of him being home, it felt like he had never left and I had to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dream and he isn't leaving again for a long long time.

Here is the last week in a nutshell: (Can't believe it's been a week!)

The first two days home, we spent quality time with his parents eating great food, drinking good wine, and learning of Daniel's travels around the world and back. Saturday was the big Welcome Home Party, and most of our family and friends were able to come celebrate his return! It is comforting knowing we have all of their support and love to always get us through. Sunday was another family day and we decided to see a much overdue movie, Captain America. Then came Monday, and we both got the flu. He headed back off to San Bruno Tuesday and we will be reunited again on Friday for date night! Life is sweet.

Time to start wedding planning! Yay! A few pictures to share....

Waiting waiting waiting patiently!

So happy to finally be together

Daniel and his Mom

The First Hug

We Made It!

I'm sitting here, after a long weekend filled with family and laughter and memories, realizing that we are coming to the end of this deployment. One thing I can't get off my mind is how I can't hardly believe we have survived an entire deployment. Months of separation, missing his face and voice, infrequent phone calls, they are all coming to an end. I feel like giving him a high-five right now because, seriously, WE DID IT! 


I remember the moment that bussed rolled away and how angry I was at it for taking him from me for the next 6 months. I stood there, thinking, this is never going to end, he's gone for what seems an eternity, and I'm never going to survive this heartbreak. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but imagining the next half a year without him seemed impossible and I had no idea where the strength to get through it was going to come from. 


Then a sweet girl next time took my hand and told me I wasn't alone and I'll be okay. It did help and I didn't even cry the whole drive home. It actually took a few days for things to settle in for me to realize, wow, he's really gone. I guess my mind automatically (like muscle memory) reverted back to my college days and weekly visits and living 70 miles apart. But once my "muscles" finally understood this was a totally different and much longer situation, I had my first break down. And they continued to come in waves over the next 6 weeks. I would say those first 6 weeks were the hardest on me, trying to discover a new routine and making plans to keep my mind from wandering. It didn't help that a major natural disaster occurred like the first week he was gone and we had no idea if they were affected or not. But by the time May hit, I was feeling pretty confident about my coping mechanisms and ability to maintain my often unstable emotional state. 

I learned that keeping a full schedule during the weekend hours is completely and totally necessary. For the most part, I stood by this rule, religiously. The hardest times were the Fridays when I would be sitting at work with no motivation to start my weekend like everyone else. Those weekends when I failed to plan activities with friends or family made the entire week drag on and my emotions were unpredictable. Thankfully, I have many people in my life that didn't mind a weekend visitor and I was able to keep busy, for the most part. 


Now, when I look back at this time and the heartbreak that came with his departure, I am astounded that it's almost over. I still look in awe at all the families out there going through deployments and ask myself, "How do they do it? They have a baby? It's for a year? They just got married?!" But now, I understand the "how" because the "why" is what gives us all hope. 


....and if we made it, you can to. He's the "why" to your "how" and you're his too. I promise you will be okay, just keep yourself entertained, take time to get pampered, and pray for the strength to get through each day. God provided sanity and hope for me and he can for you too, if you just remember to rely less on yourself, and more on him. The hardest days of all, were the days I tried to do it all on my lonesome....


I am proud of us, we made it through and we get each other back very soon. I just keep thinking about how amazing it is to know, WE MADE IT!

The Upside of a Deployment

(as I mentioned on facebook) I can don't have to argue with anyone over ordering Hawaiian Pizza.

I don't have to wonder what my plans will be or ask anyone if my plans fit into theirs, because I make my own schedule. 

 I can start a new job or work as many hours as I want because (sadly) I have no one waiting for me to come home each night.

I don't have to feel guilty for indulging in guilty pleasures like ridiculous reality tv, ice cream, and countless pairs of shoes. 

I get to spend extra time with my family that I don't  normally get the opportunity to. 

I can have girly weekends at a moment's notice (since I often of nothing better to do anyway.)

I get plenty of time to myself for reading, thinking, and napping; pretty much anything that wastes time

I don't have to work on wedding plans if I don't want to because I've convinced myself he wants to help me (which I honestly believe he does.) 

I spend less money (besides my shopping trips of course.)

I get to try new recipes out on my dad and perfect them before Daniel tries them so Daniel will never know how bad of a cook I really am.

I got to throw an amazing Half Way Party and bond with a special group of women going through my very same experience. 

I get to drive Daniel's truck on occasion, which is always fun, as long as I don't run anything over.

I spend more time focusing on the relationships in my life and less on the drama. It's good to be reminded of what's important, Love.

I've learned to appreciate my best friends, Amanda and Chelsea, even more than they know. Because of them, I have survived.  

 I am reminded every time he calls just how much I am loved, adored, needed, wanted, and missed.

And he's the reason it's all worth it.

L.O.V.E

Extensions? And not the hair kind

What do you do when you find out there's the possibility that they are extending his deployment? Plan a trip, that's what! Well nothing is for sure, actually I only read a quick blurb about a possible extension today on our deployment group page but the first thing that came to mind was that now I can maybe go down south again!

But then I started thinking, what happens if he comes home when I'm down there? How expensive is a plane ticket last minute? Who would take me to the airport? Who's car would we drive in case it got left in SoCal at the last minute?

Whew, enough possibilities...relax!

I think I'll just keep my usual countdown going so I don't overthink this whole situation. Hopefully it's just a scare. Another thought on his homecoming though....I am having anxiety over how things are going to be when he gets home. Right now, I'm starting to scare myself with thoughts of how I'm going to handle when he wants to see his friends and I don't see him for a whole day. I know that sounds dumb because we've been apart for quite a while, what's one day? But my anxiety is telling me that choosing to spend one day apart is harder than having to spend one day apart. My anxiety is trying to convince me that I am going to be so obsessed on making up for lost time, that I will panic when we choose to spend any length of time apart.

How do people get over this? I realize this is ridiculous, so don't get me confused with some crazy control freak. At least I can admit my weakness. But how am I going to stop obsessing over this? Anyone else ever been  here and done that? Thanks in advance...

Our big floppy hats

Oh my, what a weekend we had! Chelsea, Amanda, and I went to visit Amanda's family in La Cresta, CA...they live in this beautiful home nestled in the mountains behind Camp Pendleton where they built "Sheffield Regional Park" as they call it. This was the girls weekend we ALL needed, each for our very own reason:

(Amanda) needed to get over her jerk of a boyfriend for breaking up with her

(Chelsea) needed  to get her mind off her anxiety about her NCLEX (her big nursing test)

(Me) needed to find a way to make this weekend (and all of the next ones till he's home) pass quickly.

I am happy to report, the trip was a success. Amanda is amazing and strong and is moving on! Chelsea found out she passed her test, and the rest of the weekend was stress free for her. I was so busy celebrating with them both I hardly had time to think about myself. 

We bought big floppy hats at Target and went to the beach

Chels and Amanda at the beach

Some family friends of Amanda's, they were both so sweet

Celebrating our "success" this weekend at Amanda's parents house

   

You aren't weak. You are strong.

First off I want to start this post by saying I am in extreme pain because I got this horrible sunburn in the middle of my back, you know, right where you can't reach, smack dab in the middle?

I realized this was going to happen about the time I decided I hate hate hate that Daniel isn't here to enjoy our life with me, together, like we should be. I went with my dad to the lake this weekend, which was lots of fun, but I couldn't help wishing my other half was there to lounge in the sun or learn to wake surf with me. I told him last night when I talked to him that, regardless of how much I might drive him nuts, I'm not going anywhere without him when he gets home. I realize that I "signed up for this," whatever, save all that "it was your choice" crap for someone else. I get it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not trying to sit around and pretend that I'm some super strong crazy person who is so in love that the distance only "brings us closer." You are talking to the wrong engaged girl here. It's like missing half your body, half your joy, half your peace, and all of your heart. By the time Daniel gets home he will have been gone for a total of 12 months in the last 20 months. I am ready to smother that boy with my love and affection until he begs for a day at the shooting range with his boys.

I'm not ashamed that I'm not emotionally hard as steel and that I feel like breaking down into tears (and often do) whenever I see a current picture of him posted by one of his friends on Facebook. There's something about seeing his most up-to-date face that makes me want to kiss the computer screen while filling up a few buckets with my tears. You want the truth about military life, it fricken sucks. Don't let anyone tell you that being "strong" means you aren't allowed to feel your emotions. Go ahead girls, feel em', embrace em', and accept them. They are here to stay and some days they are going to tear you down to little bitty pieces. But other days, you're going to feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach and you're going to feel that smile growing when you realize just how much time has passed and how close you are to the finish line.

If I could tell Daniel anything right now, in this moment, I would say I know we will be together forever and for always because I know how blessed I am to have your love and to love another this much. If I'm thankful for anything with this deployment, it's that it proved to me just how meant-to-be we are and how right the timing of our new beginning is. I would tell him I love you more than absolutely anything in this entire world and if I had endless amounts of money I would have followed you to and from every country you've been in these last few months just so I could give you a kiss now and then.

Deployments suck, I'm not embarrassed to admit that. You shouldn't be either. Love your man, stand by your man, and remember how blessed you are that God gave you this opportunity to learn what love and commitment truly means. You aren't weak because you cry, you're strong because you can cry without giving up. You aren't weak because you resent this deployment, you're strong because you recognize the positive impact it could have on your relationship, if you let it. You aren't weak because you wish he was here, you're strong because you are willing to wait patiently for his infrequent phone calls and far off return. Keep calm and carry on, because that's all we really can do in times like these.

 I sure miss this boy of mine

Ever Wonder What Happens at My House on a Friday Night?

Tomorrow I get to mark another week off my calendar, so it should be a pretty good day. At least I'm hoping it's a good day. The distance between my future husband and myself is really dragging on me, at this point. I missed him the second I watched that horrible ugly bus drive out those awful and depressing metal gates. Now, take that moment and multiply it by like a thousand and add about 500% plus a 14 hour time difference and you might get to where I am now in my level of wanting him back. It's time. They could have sent him home before he even left the states and  I would have been happy. That's why, tomorrow better be a good fricken day because if it's not, I might have a cry day and watch Army Wives and eat a box full of See's Candy because I know it's not really time to have him back yet.

On a different note, has anyone seen this new show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? If you haven't you really need to go check it out on TLC, it will blow your mind. And no, it's not really about a wedding. In fact, it's more about how I would be considered "shelved" at 23 years old for not being married already. Oh, and the fact that I would never have gone to college and probably would  have like a bunch of babies and a trailer to look after right now. Just go watch it, it's quite entertaining for a boring Friday night at home..alone...again.

Boy of boy, I can NOT wait for Daniel to come home. I've been meaning to blog about this for quite some time, but I've been forgetting too [and I apologize for the all-over-the-placeness of this post.] But, what I've been meaning to say, is that I cannot stand by complacently and watch couples be all, you know, couple-y, anymore. It actually causes a physical reaction in my body, where I must turn my head and try not to puke as my mind fills with selfish thoughts about how jealous I am. Yes, I am super jealous of all of you who get to go on Friday night dates with your honey, and Saturday night dates, and whatever day of the week you choose dates. Of all the movie watching you get to do. Of the cuddling on the couch watching Modern Family on a random Thursday night you do. Of all the eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner out at any restaurant that you do [which is why I avoid all restaurants on the weekends.] I know this is unhealthy and I promise I will resolve this problem in a matter of weeks...as soon as Daniel is  home. The only thing stopping me from totally falling off the deep end, is knowing that I have the  most perfect fiance excitedly itching to come home to ME! So I'm stopping this rant now, before things get out of hand. Thank you for letting me express myself.

if you want to sleep when he's deployed, read this.

So I haven't slept in about 3 months. That's when Daniel left. If you need a refresher on "why" check out my post on Insomnia from back in January, that outta fill you in on the back story there... For those that are all caught up on my life, I have new details on the sleeping situation. I don't think it's entirely due to his absence. I think it might have to do with the mattress I've been sleeping on since I was 11. It's gotten me through close to 6 or 7 moves, middle school, high school, and college.

Yesterday I decided I was going to steal the brand new super duper comfy queen size mattress from the downstairs bedroom. Now, I have a full and, thus, my bed frame is also a full. But I was determined to make that whole situation work for the hope of having a restful night of sleep for at least the next two months. I'm just glad my dad didn't see me pulling that box spring up the stairs, by myself. He probably would have had a breakdown. But I say, where there's a will, there's a way and my will was determined to find a way to start sleeping.

After realizing a queen is MUCH larger than a full and that my full size bed frame cannot be contortioned into a queen without rebuilding it, my dad offered to "fix" the frame and make it so it will work with my new BIG AND COMFY bed. [Side note, he had to build new sides to my bed out of sheet metal at work today, I didn't even know he could weld!] Last night was my first night on the new mattress [dad convinced me, besides my clear dissapointed that it wouldn't be my complete vision, to put the mattress on the floor for the night] and I must say, I slept much much better. I think I might have found one thing a girl with a deployed Marine should not suffer through, an old uncomfortable mattress. To all the ladies about to go through a deployment, do whatever you must to make your bed as comfortable as possible! You are already going to be having a hard time sleeping once he leaves, so buy extra pillows or a mattress topper, or steal the more comfortable mattress from downstairs. It doesn't do you any good to wait and see if you'll get used him being gone. Spoiler alert: you won't. A girl without her beauty rest for months on end only translates into a girl with more erratice and less reasonable emotions. Save your friends, your family, and yourself all those tears and get a comfy bed!

I can't wait to snuggle in under those covers tonight and catch up on the last three months of sleep I've been missing. By the way, thanks for reading this ridiculously boring post, I just was really excited and needed to share to the "world" about my  new HUGE and COMFY bed :)

The little bed that I've been not-so-sleeping on since he left.

My new giant and amazingly comfortable bed! 

Our Halfway Party

So we made it to the halfway point of this deployment! I thought this day would never ever come...especially that first few weeks, but I am thankful to say...IT'S HERE!!! So per my friend Savannah's request, here are pictures to fill you in on all our fun!

Carrie and Nicole were the first to arrive and I quickly put them to work making cake batter for the cakes in a jar I had everyone make. They all turned out great! Except for the jar the overflowed and then tipped over inside the oven. Ya. and the fact that I ran out of time and no one decorated their jar. But other than that....they were sealed to perfection and, hopefully, everyone will actually ship them to their guy! After I made the girl whip up some cake batter, I enlisted their help in making pizza dough. Carrie totally ruined the first batch cuz she POURED, not sprinkled, the yeast on top. Yep, that's right, I blame my guest :) Lol. Just teasing...it was a joint failure. Everyone had fun making their own dough and baking their pizza with a multitude of toppings. The pizzas didn't quite turn out the way I LIKE them to be since I forgot to turn up the oven from when we baked the cakes. Oh well, doughy pizza is still pizza and it was the memories of fun times we'll take from this night.

These scrumptious delights were one of two desserts we enjoyed. Nicole, our fabulous baker, made these raspberry lemon cupcakes and they were probably the best cupcakes I have ever had. I think I ate 5 total, ya, they were that good. I also made strawberry with dark chocolate cake pops. They are AMAZING also, and I sent everyone home with the leftovers because I knew I would eat the rest this week, if I didn't.

After all the baking and pizza making (wow, that totally rhymed), we settled in for a quiet game of Apples to Apples. Wait, did I say I quiet? Ya, ummm, that's probably the WORST word to describe this next event. I'm pretty sure we only made it about four people into the first round when we were interrupted by our curiosity to know how everyone met their Marine. I learned so much about my new friends! One thing Michelle pointed out, many of us have known our Marine as either a friend or something more, since we were young, like pre-teen braces young. I thought that was interesting. Regardless of how long we all knew our Marines, it is clear there is love in the air! Marine girls are passionate girls and their love is clearly strong and proud. No one was afraid to share their love story. In fact, most of use were jumping with ants in our pants to tell our story. The picture above would be our realization that we all (minus the two mamma's, which we'll let slide since their kids are pretty darn cute) had pictures of our man in their camis on their phone. We just HAD to stop to document this funny fact with a picture.

This has to be my favorite picture from the night. It completely and wholly explains the entire event, without the need for explanation. We laughed until we cried and built new friendships that felt like they've always been apart of our lives.  I know celebrating the halfway point was important to me and I am thankful for everyone that came. It wouldn't have been a party without all of you! and it wouldn't have been a halfway party without the all the love stories, wine, and laughter. Thank you all so much. I promise to improve my hostessing skills to perfection for our next halfway party, which I pray is in many many years to come. That outta give me time to practice anyways

Frozen Shrimp Wife Lessons

I am determined to be a good wife...let me clarify. I am determined to be a good wife that can COOK! Since Daniel has been gone for most of our engagement thus far (aka: wife training time) my dad has been enlisted to be my guinea pig. He eats whatever I make him and even pretends to like all of it. There was only one chicken dish in which he suggested that "salt can always be added later, sweetheart." So, I am cooking up new things, testing my skills, and being quite creative in the kitchen these days. I am excited to not just learn, but MASTER several key recipes before Daniel gets home so that I may impress him with my cooking ability.

The other night I got a little frisky and decided to throw a little wine in the pan where my chicken had been cooking for some time. I thought, hey, I hear people do this all the time, why can't I? Well, thankfully my dad's girlfriend came home just in time to witness me almost ruin my dinner by not having enough liquid. Had she not walked in when she did, I probably would have ended up drunk from all the wine I would have tried to use to get my chicken to finish cooking without burning. BUT, disaster was averted and I learned, on the fly, how to do a "red wine reduction" as she called it. And, might I say, it turned out AMAZING, moist and yummy and purple. I think even Daniel would have like this chicken since it wasn't dry or anything.

As I was scanning the shelves of the freezer tonight, I laid my eyes on a bag full of frozen shrimp. Inspired by the pre-cooked quality of those frozen shellfish, I jumped onto AllRecipes.com and typed in "shrimp" to see what might come up. Eenie, meanie, mineie, mo and I began pouring this liquid and that spice into a plastic baggie while my fishies defrosted under cold running water, in the sink. Now they are marinating in the fridge and I think this meal will be successfully complete with a side of Mexican rice from a recipe I also found on AllRecipes.com. I'll get back to you all on whether it turned out or not.

So, here I am, teaching myself to be a master chef, one that could challenge my other half's natural cooking ability. All I hope is that, with time, I will be able to make consistently delicious dinners for my husband-to-be, ones that he will be proud of me for (and maybe even invite other people to taste, if I'm that good).

Muddied Forgiveness

So I've reached that middle part of the deployment where time is just moving. Week by week I watch myself smile as I cross off another Saturday, wondering how I made it another week and lost in thought about the idea of welcoming him home. Phone calls are fewer and farther between, yet more meaningful than ever. The "I miss you's" and "I love you's" and goodbyes that go on for minutes leave me day dreaming for hours about how blessed I am to have this man to love and what a gift his love to me truly is.

The last two weeks have been something unexpected and heartbreaking for many people. I have learned more about God's planning and forgiveness and love in these last few weeks than I could have hoped to learn in several years time. I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for God's grace in my life. I am also thankful to know that God has a plan and he is always in control. These are phrases I often repeated to myself but I don't think I really knew what they meant until these past 13 days.  Now I know, without a doubt, to trust God. To trust in his plan. To trust in what he gives you to handle. To trust in his word. To trust the power of love and forgiveness.

It's hard to forgive someone who hurts someone you love. Sometimes Daniel teases me because he says I have the memory of  "a goldfish". He says this when I easily forgive those who have hurt me or done something to upset me. He's right, in the sense that when you hurt me I am fairly quick to forgive and move on. I don't hold onto grudges for long. But when you hurt someone I love, that's much harder for me to forgive because I don't have the power to make them feel better. I don't have the power to help them get past what caused them heartbreak and tears. That is why I have had a hard time forgiving this man for what he did to my family. I can't take away the hurt they feel as as result of this man which is why I have had an impossible time forgiving. I guess in my mind, unless they are able to forgive, I can't forgive. It's a protection thing for me, I think. I feel like I am not protecting them anymore if I allow my heart to soften to his transgressions. I keep my heart cold as stone to this man in order to protect them from being hurt by him again. I guess I feel like if I did forgive him it's like I walk away and say to them "You're on your own now, to figure this out on your own, to heal on your own," and that's not fair.

But he's gone now and he can't hurt us anymore. He can't tell my mom to leave town or tell her she's not worthy to be loved anymore. He can't tell Daniel that he isn't allowed to worship God in the way most powerful for him. He can't try and beat them down and steal their faith. He's gone and he's not coming back. I don't have the chance to forgive him with a pure heart. If I forgive  him now it's because he's dead and it's the "right" thing to do. But that's not being honest with myself and I don't want to be dishonest in this. I want to know that when I say those words "I forgive you" it's because I healed my own heart and I was ready to say them. So that's where I'm stuck, between wanting to forgive because it's time, and wondering if it's only situationally "time." I don't really want to know when they have forgiven him for their hurt because I feel like that will only muddy my emotions and confuse my thoughts even more. So here I am, trying to find a way to say "it's okay you hurt us, I forgive you" without feeling like I've been defeated and that I'm being disloyal.

Normally these are things I would ponder with my best friend, but he's not here either, he's somewhere far away wishing he was home. That's why I get to figure this out by myself because he's the only other person that I am willing to figure this out with. It's me and God and that's it. Time to get to prayer and decide whetehr it's time to soften my heart to a man that never had a soft spot for me.

Who ya gunna call? Not Daniel, maybe the Ghostbusters?

So number one pet peve about deployments might just be that the phone only goes one way. I can't call him when I need tell him something important and he can't exactly always call me either. When there's big important news to share you always want to call your love because he's the one that has always been there for you. Because he knows, without saying anything, why you need to talk to him about this. You don't need to explain yourself or the back story. You don't really even need to explain anything because he already knows what you're going to say. That's why this deployment totally sucks this week for me.

I remember when I graduated college and Daniel was about 3 weeks into bootcamp at that point. I was walking through Target (my favorite celebatory location, of all places I go here to clear my mind) right after I finished my very last college class FOREVER, and I picked up the phone to call Daniel so he could rejoice with me. But as the number rang and went straight to voicemail I was quickly reminded that he is not here to celebrate with me today. He is not here to smile at me and say "Good Job Kaitlyn!" He's not here to give me a hug and tell me how proud he is that I finished what I set out to do. That was a very realistic moment for me, to understand that often times he may not be there when I need or want him the most.

Occasionaly I am reminded of this, even though it's something I fully understand at this point. Just last week I picked up  my phone Friday to call Daniel and ask him where the nearest Radio Shack was cuz I was driving out of town and need to buy a car charger for the portable dvd player thingy. I actually went so far as to go to my "favorite's" list in my phone contacts when I realized he can't exactly pick up from Japan. So I laughed at myself for my silly forgetful nature and put the phone back in my cup holder (which of course is the only place I keep my phone when I'm driving as I am ALWAYS waiting for his phone call, even on the go).

Yesterday wasn't so much a reminder that he's not here to talk to me about what happened, but more of another "knotch on my belt" of experiences gone through without him here. And now I'm more concerned with him finding out the news from anyone other than myself, and that's not exactly a comfort knowing I'm not there to ease his mind when he hears then news. I guess I signed up for this but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. Today I wish there was a phone I could call and be like "Hey, I need to talk to my Marine like NOW!" But we all know that's not exactly how is works. After not talking to him for somewhere between 7 and 14 days I get to enjoy a fun conversation about this horrible tradjedy back home. Not exactly what you want to spend your precious time talking about, but it's not something I can keep until he comes home. So, I keep waiting another day or maybe another week for the phone to ring.

We are Truly Blessed

So I cried a few wedding tears today. They were silent, and I think the only one that noticed was my sister Casie. But, tears of joy were deffinetly in my eyes and heart today when I first laid eyes on the venue that I (and Daniel through my brief explanation) really really really love. It was all because I saw the place I want to get married. I saw the grass I want to walk down the isle and look into the eyes of my future husband. I saw the tree I want to stand under when I promise him the rest of my life. I saw the vision of chairs filled by our family and friends all there to support our love and our future together. I saw our wedding, as perfect as I had ever imagined it could be. And so my eyes welled up with the realization that this very well could be the place we say "We Do" to loving eachother forever and for always.

Today was very special. Not only did my mom, sister, and Daniel's mom fall in love with my wedding dress, just as I had already, but we also got to dream about this wedding and what the vision for that day will look like. Among the many details and possibilities, one theme runs strong. Something I know Daniel would agree with me on. Our wedding is going to have a strong sense of family and of community. We want our wedding to reflect our love for all our many family members and friends we have been blessed to share this life with. We truly are fortunate to have so many amazing people in our lives that bring us more joy and laughter and excitement and love and strength than you ever realize.

We can't hardly wait for the wedding to be here. In case you were wondering, we will be busy in May every year, starting next spring. Celebrating our anniversary, that is. I Love You Daniel Allen Solnok. You are the one God made for me and the one I choose to love today, tomorrow, and every day that is to come. Miss you so much and counting down the days until I can give you another kiss.

Tempura Fried Laughter

So I'm sitting there laughing with Morgan last night, having a really fun girls evening in, watching Army Wives when it suddenly hits me how ridiculously emotional I was before Daniel left for this deployment. You want to know how I came to this conclusion, I'll tell you.

Okay, picture this, it's three days before he leaves, we are sitting at dinner with a group of our closest and bestest friends having all you can eat sushi. Morgan is ordering all the yummy tempura rolls and, knowing how good they are (and ignoring the fact that they are not going to make me feel like sushi was the healthy eat-out option tonight), I order a few myself, along with a few healther picks. After much anticipation and after my stomach had been angirly growling at me for quite some time, our rolls arrive. But do you want to know where my delicous but oh so unhealthy deep fried goodness end up? On the opposite side of the table, that's where! No big deal, at first. I delightedly eat my "healthier" options, waiting patiently for someone to pass me a few of the golden yummies on the other side of the table.

Time passes on and with hope fading fast that there would be any left for me, I politely ask Daniel if he could please pass the tempura rolls. He kind of ignores me (I think he has selective hearing) and so I ask again. But, his selective hearing must have tuned me out, so I reach over him, sort of in his eating space, across the the table, and stick my chopsticks into the tempura rolls directly in front of Morgan and Adam's faces. Then I get that look that no one wants to get, that look of shock and horror. I wasn't letting anything get in my way of eating those tempura rolls, not even Daniel's annoying obsession with healthy food and polite manners in public. Well, that was it. I got that look and that's all I needed to throw a little temper tantrum right there in the middle of dinner

"Oh, what, I can't eat tempura. What am I, Fat?"

"No, it's not that. But can't you eat what's in front of you instead of reaching across the ENTIRE table?"

"Oh, so now I can't eat anything you think is unhealthy cause then you'll call me fat?"

"Oh jeeze, Kaitlyn. Really? Okay, well if that's how you want to spend this night, fighting, then go ahead."

That was it. I was ready to call it a night, go home, and retreat to my icecream in the freezer. Now of course we made up and it didn't ruin the whole  night, but as I was recalling this incident with Morgan over wine, it dawned on me just how high emotions ran that last weekend. I didn't realize it when we were living those moments, but looking back, I had to laugh, like really hard, at that whole situation. Did I really get made at Daniel and imply that he thought I was fat cause of my undying need to eat the less healthy rolls clear across the table in which I had to be extremely rude to other table guests to retrieve? YES! And that thought made Morgan and I laugh histerically for like 5 minutes.

Wow, stress before deployments is unavoidable, as much as I thought I could defend myself against it, I was a fallen victim. My lesson has been learned. Prepare yourself for the inablity to act rationally when your loved one is preparing to leave for 6 months. Be ready to recognize the signs of emtional instability so you can stop yourself before you let it ruin too much of that precious time. I am thankful we made it past those four days without too many bumps, although there were enough of these little moments to cherish from now until he comes home. And last, but not least, be prepared to laugh about your tantrums with a good friend over a glass (or two) of good wine, it really does the soul some good to realize it's not your fault you were an emotional wreck, it's the deployment's fault. And that is who/what I choose to blame for all my emotional inadequacies over the next few months, end of story.

Symptom Number Two

As some of my friends may recall from my eating habits during Daniel's bootcamp, my appetite was slightly missing. In place of full meals and healthy snacks, I ate gallons of Mint Moose Tracks ice cream to supplement the inadequacies of my diet. Well friends, the second symptom of deployment has finally hit, I knew it was only time. I have officially lost my appetite and it is hiding somewhere sneaky, probably behind the Mochi in my freezer.  I'm not sure if this is permanent or if perhaps it will come back when I finally get that phone call mentioned in my previous post (which I am still waiting on, by the way.) From the time I woke up until about 25 minutes ago, my diet consisted of half a bowl of shredded wheat cereal. So, just to make the picture a little clearer, I have only consumed about 100 calories since 11 am this morning and it's now 6pm, that is highly unusual for me. I am a girl who likes to eat her meals. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, desert, morning snack, afternoon snack, late night snack....the list could go on, depending on the day.

There are two problems with this whole appetite situation. (1) Shredded wheat does not have enough nutrition in it to keep me full all day, which it didn't. I actually got hungry but didn't really care, for whatever reason. Maybe I will figure out why in a few days, I'll get back to you on that. (2) I don't even like shredded wheat! So now not only am I eating less than usual, my taste buds have forgotten to remind me that I don't have to eat what I don't like eating.

So the second symptom of misery (or at least of loneliness when your Marine is deployed) is clearly loss of appetite. Although my body is somewhat malnourished at the moment, it does make for a really quick weight loss technique, one that I am NOT encouraging, so don't go trying to loose your  appetite to loose weight, it's probably going to come right back when he gets home anyway. I fully intend on driving down to the store in just a bit and buying a gallon of some sort of ice cream, since that is what sounds good right now. Bye for now.

Oh the places you've been!

So it's two weeks into this thing they call deployment. The phone has found it's way back into my constant carry, into the bathroom, by the running shower water, on the pillow, by the burning stovetop, and often in the top of my bra, to name a few places. It is safe to say, I refuse to miss any chance of communication. I have been finding myself being a bad bad girl and answering it at the most in oportune times, like at work. Then, when it's not him (which it often isn't), I have to explain to the other person, whom I have no desire to talk to, that my fiance is deployed and I only want to talk to him and I shouldn't have answered my phone at work but what's a girl to do! Skype has been a miracle maker, that's for sure. You underestimate how precious it is to just stare at some one you love. I could stare at him all day and not say a word and that would be sufficient communication. I mean, seriously, we haven't had to exercise our phone skills like this in YEARS, like since junior year of high school. We are trying to get better at our phone conversations, but our relationship has reached that point when you no longer have hours of material to gab about. That is why I LOVE Skype. Because we can make silly faces at eachother and don't have to talk every mili-second of the time we spend "communicating". Staring at eachother is just fine by me when it's him I'm looking at. And although I can't speak for him, I would guess he agrees that I offer a pretty good view in return.

So as week two comes to a close and week three begins I'm still waiting, make that obsessing, over my next phone call. Since the Tsunami hit, I have still not reached contact with him, which is frustrating, but understandable. That's why God made patience, for moments like this when you need to wait it out for your deployed Marine to get out of the field, get to his phone, hope it's charged enough to make a call home, find internet connection, hope not too many other guys are using that same WiFi, and finally dial his favorite phone number to reach his favorite person,ME, to either talk to or stare at (which ever is more convenient at the time.)

And then, when the phone calls don't come, the Insomnia (in the aforementioned blog) returns. Which leads me to why I'm blogging at 2am, because I have absolutely nothing to look forward to tomorrow and sleepiness is no where to be found when the phone call obsession takes over. Which reminds me, I think I made it this far without a major meltdown due to the fact that I have had a constant schedule since he left. I think tomorrow marks the first day that I can honestly say, I have nothing planned. I hate to see how these things they call deployments feel when you stop planning your every waking minute. My best bet is probably to just keep it all planned out, keep something to look forward to every day off, even a trip to Costco or Target to get Care Package supplies. I need to remain focused on keeping busy, or this facade I have created to cover up my real emotions about living minus my other half is going to fade quickly.

Off to bed, or at least near a pillow in a horizontal position. Thanks for reading, all of my not so many bloggers out there :)

Oh.... the Insomnia

So if you have been following me on facebook then you know that Daniel has left for his pre-deployment training. Let me just say he only left 51 hours ago but already the insomnia has set in. I can remember from this time last year when he was in bootcamp that I hardly ever slept. Well, here we go again. I thought maybe, just maybe, I would have been over this by now. Nope. I still can't sleep and it is driving me nuts!

One point I would like to make clear is that I have not fallen into my old blubbery ways quite yet as no tears have been shed. But I promise all of you as soon as that bus or plane or whatever vehicle that takes him away removes him from me, I will be welling up like a fountain. I think it is safe to say I better not be driving home from wherever this event is going to occur or the other drivers are going to be seriously in danger as my eyes DO NOT have wiper blades.

Anyways, back to the whole not sleeping thing. It is time I find a cure for my inability to sleep soundly. According to my friend/sister of advice, Savannah, I should try Melatonin, a natural supplement. So tomorrow that is exactly what I am going to go out and buy. I'll let you all know if it works or not because if it does then it may just be the saving grace for many of my military sisters out there.

I'm going to give my pillow a shot now and cuddle up under the covers to dream about a life devoid of deployments so I can sleep more soundly. Good night, hopefully.